Creating Magic moments

Creating Magic moments

by | Jun 14, 2017 | A2R, Advanced Recovery

Raising moments above the ordinary

You have many ordinary moments in your life. What makes a magic moment for you? Many times we encounter people and circumstances that never rise above the ordinary. In all fairness we must admit that we have a huge part to play in this. The way we relate to people and engage with them is what can raise things to become a ‘magic moment’ or can allow them to become just another day among many.

These days I do some of my work in a busy part of London. After one particularly busy day I was shopping in a small store for a sandwich and a drink. The store was crowded with around 200 shoppers and there were at least 25 staff running around trying to keep everything going. As I waited to pay I surveyed the scene and felt a very uncomfortable sense of isolation. I noticed that no one was connected (except in our desire to get what we wanted and get out of there). It was as if we were all there on our own. Each individual dealing with the difficulties of their day.

I can’t claim that I created a ‘magic moment’ that night. But I was determined to lift someones evening and my own out of the ordinary. I helped someone to pick up something they had dropped and smiled at them with a polite word or two. It doesn’t seem much but in that atmosphere it was the equivalent of the ‘red carpet treatment’. And who are we to say what elevates the moment for another? If that person could speak to me now would they say that they had completely forgotten my word of kindness? Or that it prevented them from doing something they would regret? We can only engage and show kindness to another. We can never say what the effect will be.

One of my past lives

many years ago, in what seems now like a past life I was a snooker player. In my dreams I wanted to be the next Steve Davis. I gave it my best shot but ultimately did not have the talent or the nerve that the top player needs to sustain a professional career. Much older now I am happy that I tried my best, created some great memories and do not have to live with that nagging question “could I have made it”.

The event

During one particular evening I was involved in an exhibition match between Terry Griffiths and my hero Steve Davis. I was to play one of them in a warm up game before the main event. After spending some time with them both in the dressing room it was time to start the exhibition.

My nerves were jangling as we stood in the dark behind the tiered seating. As we were being introduced I dropped my chalk! It disappeared under the seating scaffold and I couldn’t see a thing. I was just beginning to contemplate playing without chalk when Terry Griffiths, ex World Champion in his finest dress suit got down on his knees and flicked on his lighter (most of us still smoked back in the eighties). He disappeared under the seats after my chalk as he was being introduced by the compare who mentioned all his achievements and raised a great amount of applause!

I was amazed to see that unknown to this audience enthusiastically applauding Terry’s great achievements he was on his knees looking for my 50 pence piece of chalk!

Creating Magic Moments in life

What raised this event into a ‘magic moment’? What made it stick in my memory some thirty five years later? You could say it was a mixture of several things that came together to make it memorable and meaningful. The first word that comes to mind is humility. I met many people who thought they were God’s gift to sport and lorded it over people while they could. It was the decision to not only not do this but to see me as someone worth helping that made it special for me.

The other thing for me is the way that he did this when others would have been listening to the great things being said about them. Again I have plenty of examples in my memory of people who would be much more interested in how they were being treated than in how they were treating others. The idea that sporting heroes are special is what gives them the ability to make magic moments for someone.

The idea that he was sensitive to the difference in our position and experience was also important to me. The evening meant very different things to us both. he was essentially at work whilst I was being given a great opportunity. Something about the way he recognised that and allowed for it added meaning for me.

And yet, for me my magic moment stands out all the more because there were no photographs, no crowd involvement. It was completely personal. But I feel sure that it was not about me either. It felt like something Terry would have done for anyone in that situation. It was the private aspect that made it special for me. 

Who can forget the scenes of young Bradley Lowery when brought out as one of the mascots at Sunderland. This was the very definition of a magic moment. Very moving and clearly over and above the call of duty. We can all appreciate the extra effort and investment of the players and staff.

Finally I want to say thank you to a great sportsman, Terry Griffiths. For creating a ‘magic moment’ for me. I have never forgotten what was created in a few seconds. By someone who didn’t have to. Respect for other human beings and a rare humilty, along with my nerves came together all those years ago to create a ‘magic moment’. Thanks Terry.

The effect of addiction on children

The effect of addiction on children

by | Jun 2, 2017 | A2R, Families

Families in addiction

Over the past few years I have felt more and more moved to work with the families of addicted parents more than the addicts themselves. I am committed to getting the best information I can out there. Particularly for people who are often not well informed as to their issue. There are lots of well meaning publications out there that will tell you that it is progressive disease and other scary ideas that are not always true for your family. You need an effective way to manage this situation and to recover from it.

The effect of addiction on children

All poor and defective parenting has the same effect on the children. It encourages, causes or forces them into the adult arena. In other words they are expected to perform at an adult level even though they are still children.

The family with the issue of addiction is an extreme example of this and everyone who works in the addiction field has heard the story of the child who comes home to find their Mum passed out on the couch and then feels the pressure to ‘become the Mum’ and parent the other children and in some cases Parent the parent. I call this reverse parenting, I’m sure you get the picture, or recognise yourself in this story.

This pressure of developing an idea that you are responsible and must act in situations were you are not experienced and should not be held responsible results in trauma of various strengths.

In the personality there are two major effects or results and they are immediately recognizable. I have seen this sibling formation again and again over the years and I will now offer a definition of these two types.

The Two choices for children of families in addiction

When you are faced with the extreme circumstances of addiction in the family as a child you effectively have two choices. I will describe them in the form of ‘mission statements’ for both below.

“Everything will work out if I get everything I want”

This is the mission statement of the addict. Faced with the prospect of being recruited into a world where they must be continually thinking about the other, they ‘escape’ into utter self centredness. The technical term for this is narcissism.

They create the one place where they cannot be reached. They create a ‘world of one’. They create a place of safety. Like all unhealthy strategies this one appears to offer the perfect solution. The problems only come later as the strategy fails to produce a healthy life and healthy relationships.

“Everything will work out if everyone else gets everything they want”

This is the mission statement of the reverse addict. Faced with the prospect of being recruited into a world where they must be constantly thinking of the other, they choose to take on the task and start to identify with the role. Whereas the addict develops a fantasy life followed by drugs, alcohol or addictive behaviours, the reverse addict escapes into concern. The constant worry and pressure offer lots of opportunities to not think about their own state. This becomes habit forming and addictive.

The effect in later life

The effect of addiction on children as they grow is that they have been placed one way or another into the ‘adult arena’. This often takes the form of ‘reverse parenting’ when their parents do not fulfill their responsibilities to the children. Often in my work I meet adults who started looking after their siblings when they were only seven or eight years old.

So we now have the narcissist and the co-dependent. The addict and the reverse addict. I will go more into brain chemistry and the way these things affect choices at another time. For now I want to explain to you more of what you will see when you witness these personalities.

The addict personality has been well covered many times and so my concentration here will be the reverse addict or co-dependent. One of the biggest influences on their personality is the way ‘acting grown up’ eventually replaces ‘being grown up’. Circumstances made them responsible for things they did not have the experience or the maturity for..

The Hermeneutic of addictive relationships

In many ways this bifurcation of the two types is indicative of their future, and their future partners. The two types will ‘find’ someone from the opposite group to form a serious relationship with. In this way the addicts will partner with the reverse addicts and vice versa. And what a perfect fit!

In this type of relationship it initially feels to both parties that they have found perfection. The narcissist gets someone who seems happy to completely subjugate themselves to their cause, whilst asking for nothing in return. And the reverse addict gets someone who not only gives them a full time caring role, but always takes centre stage and never puts the spotlight back on them.

The unhealthy aspects of the addicts relationship

If only this worked long term! Everybody would be happy and no one would be in need of recovery! Unfortunately like any other unhealthy strategy it offers a quick fix but fails in the long term due to the side effects of this fit. Do not mistake a good fit for a healthy fit. There is no balance here. There is no intimacy because there is no vulnerability. Any conversation of any importance is usually had ‘under the influence’ and often leads nowhere.

Eventually the novelty wears off and both parties learn to protect themselves behind a resentful layer of self justification. Years of relentless selfishness has worn away the genuine caring of the codependent. The addict has long since learned to totally take their partner for granted. It is important to understand that these relationships are not only completely unhealthy but actually get worse over time. As a tendency in one fits with an opposite tendency in the other. These ‘tendencies’ slowly strangulate into extreme positions that cannot be maintained without serious mental health implications.

The more he behaves like a child the more she feels she has to become the parent. Or in the other formation where the addict is the female, the more irresponsible she behaves the more he feels he has to be responsible for the whole family.

There are many helpful articles on the nature of narcissism, but what can help more is an understanding of how people fit together in relationship.

The only way to authentic recovery is to outgrow your difficulties

These are serious issues and I see them again and again in my work. But they can be overcome! You can recover! It takes a commitment to growth and personal development and cannot be acheived through regular counselling sessions. You need expert and experienced support which is long term and as committed as you are.

In some cases people split up, but not always. In most cases the partner is our best teacher in that we learn best in the circumstances of the relationship. When we have the right support and guidance. We learn to use our difficulties to grow.

The Audit – Developing your Recovery from Addiction

The Audit – Developing your Recovery from Addiction

by | Apr 10, 2017 | A2R, Method

Auditing – Developing your Recovery

Developing your Recovery

Analysing and adding up your succeses

All counselling asks you to look at the things you have been trying not to look at. Sometimes for years! Developing you Recovery from Addiction is no different, in fact it is more intensive. This is one of the reasons you may find it difficult. But remember, there is no way to cheat! Without the commitment to analyse your mistakes and failings you cannot learn what works and what does not.

So be encouraged. You are going to learn some things when you read this that are really going to help you to develop your recovery. I call it the auditing process and in this Blog I am going to show you exactly how it works.

Preparation for the audit

Before using this method I would ask you to first study and put into practice the AAA method. It is mainly your commitment to this method that will lead you straight into the auditing process. Make your mind up and commit to the practice of consciously inserting acceptance in between awareness and action. This will prevent you from those ‘knee jerk’ reactions that come from reaching for the fastest thing that will remove a feeling. When you develop your recovery this way you will discover a new and more healthy behaviour emerges naturally. It is right here in the most difficult circumstances that you will find the process of auditing is most useful. Then you will have a familiar discomfort that normally leads you to your addiction but instead achieve a totally new outcome. The auditing process will help you to ‘anchor’ your new response to adversity firmly in place.

Analysing events by comparing the old and the new

You will probably understand this process quickest if I offer a simple example. This is very typical of the way I have shown countless people this process.

A client I am working with tells me as part of our session that he has found himself in a circumstance that he has been in many times. He describes anger, or sometimes fear. The exact situation is not so important. the important part is that he has had a new outcome! For years he has been drinking or drugging or gambling when he has been caught in this state or circumstance. But not this time! His new found method has saved another binge and we are talking it through. It is at this time I suggest the ‘audit’.

“What is the worst this has ever got when this has happened to you in the past”? I ask this question to establish the disaster of past strategies and it is important that we are clear about this. Often the client will describe real disasters such as weeks in Hospital or prison. We are now getting the first part of the audit. It is important that this answer must be real. It must be the worst consequence coming from the old way of handling this difficulty. I ask the client to hold this ‘story’ in his left hand.

“How hard was it to accept the feelings you had today”? Or sometimes I ask “How difficult was it to ring me today and tell me about this”? The client will often describe acute difficulty such as embarrassment or shame.  I then ask the client to place this experience in his right hand.

I then ask the client to compare these experiences by ‘weighing them up’ in his hands. Inevitably the thing that has happened in the past is far worse. Acceptance of the feeling is often an acute but usually short felt discomfort.

Shout out every moment of success!

Accepting the reality of a difficult moment is a real break through in developing your recovery. And like every other small step forward it must be celebrated! I know this will feel strange at first but really go over the top when you discover any thing you did well. It is all part of ‘retraining your brain’ towards growth and a better self image. I ask my clients to regularly make a list of twelve things they have done well that day and to go on and tell themselves how well they did! Speaking this out loud is best, even facing your self in a mirror if you can manage it!

Completing the Audit

It is at this point that I remind the client that he has just saved himself everything in his left hand by being willing to do what is in his right hand. The comparison is often staggering and is all it takes to convince and encourage the client to continue this new adventure we call recovery. Once learned this can be practised every day as a reminder and an incentive to continue to commit to personal growth and development. If you practice this you will soon discovery what all my clients have found for themselves. that feelings cannot kill you. That feelings cannot make you do anything. That feelings are there to be felt. That feelings can be used to develop your recovery.

Thanks for taking the time to read this – If you subscribe below you will receive regular updates.