Normality!

Normality!

by | May 19, 2020 | A2R

The Ground Floor – Normal life

At this point I will assume that you have a solid and stable foundation. If you do not, don’t worry. Try to concentrate on the relationships inside any room that is unstable or weak and allow yourself to know what it is about that relationship that gives them that level of power over your life. As much as real life will allow you to avoid any substantial ‘building’ in this room. When you can say that it’s solid and stable, come back to this chapter and start the next stage.

The ground floor is all about ‘normal’ functioning and so can include all of the following:

 

  •         Some form of employment or attendance at school
  •         Paying bills or not ‘lending’ money that does not get paid back.
  •         Personal hygiene
  •         Getting your own place and looking after it
  •         Maintaining good relationships with work colleagues
  •         Shopping and nutrition
  •         Budgeting and saving
  •         Developing better communication skills
  •         Developing personal integrity

 

We define this floor as finished when we can say that we can;

 

“Function in society with family friends and colleagues

in a way that can be maintained and developed”

Normality

Before we go any further we need to take a look at possibly the most contentious word in this Chapter ‘normality’. What is it? Is it achievable? Is it even desirable? Well it is important that you know my answers to these questions. Normality is functioning in society without falling apart or spinning off into chaos. Your recovered self is going to live there! Yes and yes are my answers to the next two questions.

“But who can know what normality is”? I hear you say. As someone who has struggled with addiction I say you already know what normality is. You have spent so long being ‘abnormal’ you are actually an expert on normality! You may have spent years looking at ‘normal’ people. Maybe you rejected them as “too boring”. I know I did. The last thing I wanted to be was ‘normal’. But I was kidding myself. Secretly I wanted to be able to do all the things they were doing, but I couldn’t do them and when I tried I could not keep them up. Your ‘addicted self’ is always going to tell you that ‘normality is boring’ but your recovered self will know that normality does not hold back your creativity or your individuality.

The first thing we need to do is make a useful distinction between what is normal and what is conformity (I advise you to do this ‘distinction’ exercise a lot (ref)). You see what is average is not normal. It is simply a gauge to use. 

 

My favourite story about conformity comes from the Second World War. The American Air Force put a tremendous amount of work into measuring all their pilots to find the average size height and weight of everyone that was going to fly the jets. They did this to help them to design the perfect seat cockpit and controls. After many accidents and problems a young scientist named Daniels realised that no one was actually ‘average’. These seats that should suit everyone because they were the average of everyone but were suitable for no one! They could not find one average person!

So normality is not conformity to the average. Rather it is your ability to flourish when you engage with, react and respond to society’s rules and guidelines. This ground floor is all about developing your ability to manage yourself in a ‘normal’ environment. 

So average is just a useful term to compare yourself to. Not so you can be it (which no one is), just so that you can know yourself a little better and see that you are within certain parameters. Finally if you are still not sure about this ‘normal’ word, let me try one final question to see if I can tip you towards acceptance. As an ‘addicted self’ did you lead an abnormal life? Of course you did! Okay, I cheated, it’s two questions. How did you know it was abnormal? Good. Looks like we finally convinced you!

This is not easy. Everyone struggles with this at times. But the effort and commitment you put into this acceptance will pay dividends. It will promote better relationships and it will provide a platform for the next floor which is about pursuing your dreams. Most importantly it will develop your recovered self into maturity. It will help you grow up!

Building at the right speed

Your ground floor is built upon the foundation and conforms to the design of the rooms etc. It is at this point that one of our strongest ‘checks’ comes into play which is the idea of building speed. The reflective question is “are you building too fast or too slow”? Again this is part of developing your ‘recovered self’ and makes you responsible for your own thinking. Clearly building on an infirm foundation is going too fast but you are just as likely to be tempted to go too slow. 

What does too slow look like?

There are lots of ways that you may be building too slow. I will look at two very typical ones now. Being too safe and being too small. 

Being too safe

As an ‘addicted self’ you may have a history of chronic failure and this can often lead to ‘over building’. Ask yourself now “what size do you want your house”? If your ‘recovery house’ is going to be ‘normal sized’ and your aim is to live a normal life with a family and a job then there is no need to dig foundations for a skyscraper! When I see someone doing this I would be looking for someone who has not changed in a long time. I would look for ‘safe’ behaviour that is becoming ritualised. I would look for someone who was not challenging themselves to grow.

Being too small

Largely this type of thinking comes from a lack of distinction between your addicted self and your recovered self. I always ask my groups to put all ‘negative talk’ in past tense. This helps us to understand that things that were beyond us may not be beyond us now. Ask yourself now, if you have been living in a small tent and then move into a large house, would you still huddle down in a corner as if you were still in the tent?

When I see this type of thing it usually involves some level of shame or bullying in the parenting or the schoolyard. The addicted self is often carrying a legacy of ‘not believing in themselves’ that needs processing in some form of therapy.

What does too fast look like?

Again, for the sake of brevity I will look at two very typical ways of going too fast. There may be many others. Two very common ways I see this are ‘Building in the wrong order’ and ‘building badly’. 

 

Building in the wrong order

This idea of ‘order’ is so obvious when we place our recovery back in the metaphor of a building. Imagine turning up at the building site when they are still in a muddy field pouring concrete and trying to put up curtains! There is a natural order to building your recovery in the same way as a natural order to building a house. 

So the real purpose and function of the ground floor turns out to be a support for the first floor. It’s important that we look ahead and when we do, we see a first floor that is built upon this ground floor. As we start to look at the ‘higher’ level it will become clear that we cannot be up there without the support of the ground floor. So we might say that the function of the ground floor is to support the first floor. Let’s place that back into the context of recovery. The ability to live normally amongst others is the main support when we push forwards to higher goals. I can put it even simpler. There isn’t much point trying to open your own restaurant when you can’t hold down an assistant’s job at McDonalds!

Building badly

This is another way of saying “I’m frustrated because I should already have all this”. Or put another way “I’m not where I should be in life”. If this is your attitude and you have not fully accepted your condition and past you will probably go too fast and build badly.

If this is you then I advise you to stop building and consider talking more about your feelings of frustration at not being where you ‘should’ be. Let me use another example here to make this clear.

Adam

Adam is a typical addict and has been using for fifteen years. He has been ‘clean’ for six months. He is 30 years old. Before he got overwhelmed by his addiction to certain drugs he developed his own business and owned two homes, one of which he allowed his daughter to live in on a reduced rent. He drove an expensive new car and was heading to a very successful future. When I met him he was bitterly frustrated and resentful. He had lost his homes and his business. He was ‘clean’ but not recovered. He was in grave danger of attempting to build a ‘first floor’ before his ‘ground floor’. Picture now what a ‘first floor’ would look like built on a flimsy ground floor. Or worse still, levitating on nothing! 

Adam had some amazing skills and professional ability. He had built a good Company but he lacked basic skills and did not have the humility to develop them because he was not willing to ‘process’ his frustrations, but was intent in ‘acting out’ of them. He wanted to skip this step and go straight back to where he had been. What he needed to understand was that the fifteen years of his addiction were fifteen years when everyone else was learning from their mistakes and growing from their pain and disappointment, he wasn’t. 

That learning comes to a person over the next two to five years in a compressed form. 

So, imagine coping with fifteen years of learning in two years. One of the main reasons why it is so hard to recover and why you need to talk, talk, talk, and then talk some more! I often say that if a person in the first two years of their recovery is not talking regularly about their ‘stuff’ (at least twice a week) they are definitely not keeping up with their changes.

 

Building materials 

Building a house takes several different skills, such as brick laying, surveying, carpentry, plumbing and electrical, plastering and decorating as well as design skills and several different materials. Now is a good time to talk a bit more about resources.

Resources

When you try to do anything you need to think about resources. If you are building a house then you will need cement and bricks. Windows and doors. When it’s about your personal growth the resources are yours, not something you can go and buy. 

When I tried to recover they told me I had to change. Great! But how do I do that? When I looked into my ‘bag of resources’ I saw nothing but defects! They said I need to get ‘more honest’. But the closest thing to that I had in my bag was ‘dishonesty’. So my early efforts at being more honest were me just trying to ‘lie better’. They said I need to be more ‘giving’ and I redoubled my efforts at controlling people better. They said I needed to communicate better but in my bag there was only bullying, shouting, manipulation, hostage taking and running away. 

It is important to acknowledge the time it will take to develop these resources and that these are the things we build with. Again, these are ground floor skills and so must be developed before attempting first floor building.

Materials

One of the group sessions I enjoy the most is when we look at the idea of ‘materials’. This is what we will be using to build with and opening up this subject is one of the most fruitful and fascinating aspects of the groups work. I start by asking the group about ‘materials’. I often ask what materials they will use and typical responses are things like honesty, humility courage determination and education. In order to convince people they need to take these materials seriously I help them to make a connection between the quality of the materials and the overall quality of the build. I start talking about authenticity! Once you realise that your commitment to good principles will build somewhere that will not only stand the test of time but will be somewhere you want to live you will be on the right track. 

It is useful to ask yourself about how you may have skimped on these materials in the past and how you are going to build with better materials in the future. When asking about materials I often find how rich the building  metaphor is and the way it offers a clear picture of what is needed.

We can see that if the foundation is not solid and well planned the whole house will be shaky. Likewise we can easily see that poor quality materials in any aspect of the build will leave us with a poor construction. Knowing yourself and your past experience what materials do you feel are necessary and which have been the most expensive or rare. Cost is always a factor. When you are building your recovery, the materials you will use need to be of the best quality you can afford.

Communication – Direct and Indirect

Your ground floor is the part of the building where we learn how to engage with society in a ‘normal’ way. So that relationships such as those with work colleagues can be maintained without spinning off into chaos or degenerating into breakdown. This usually calls for better communication and so when looking at the quality of our building materials this is a big one and deserves some attention. 

My general approach is to encourage a shift from ‘indirect’ to ‘direct’ communication. Direct communication is defined as looking the other person in the eye and telling them the truth. Indirect communication is everything else. This idea follows the principle from communication theory that says that ‘everything is communication’.

I want you to try an exercise now that I often use with my groups. Once you understand the nature of this exercise you can apply it in all your relationships. This can be work colleagues partners or family. It can be something really simple like a tone of voice you often have or a ‘body language’ component. It could be a behavioural element like ‘shutting the cupboard door a little too loudly’, ‘rolling your eyes’, or ‘tutting’. It could be a facial expression or the phone call you didn’t make. The question I want you to think about is “if this thing you do could speak, what would it be saying to them”? When you see what you are trying to say, first of all accept that you have been ‘saying something without facing the consequences of saying it’. Now take what you have found and follow the process below.

1 Tell yourself what you really wanted to say when you communicated indirectly (even including the swearing).

2 Take the communication through the three filters of politeness, assertiveness and authenticity. 

3 Decide whether to communicate directly.

So let’s take this process one step at a time.

Step 1 We ‘translate’ our act of communication into a simple sentence. Now because we are never going to say this to anyone else we can start to be honest with ourselves but because we are new to this we need to realise that this is not easy, we need to concentrate and practice to make sure that we have got to the real meaning.

Step 2 is where we take our translation and filter out the things that make it difficult for us to say. We take out the offensiveness, next we take out the aggression, and finally we take out the falseness that can come in as part of the first two filters. So firstly we simply make it a polite message, by removing this we make our communication easier to hear. Next we make it assertive, it is important to understand that in communication terms telling someone to do something is ‘aggressive’, so this filter makes us the agent of change not the other. I will give examples of this at the end. The last filter is to really make sure that in using the first two filters we have not lost the main idea in the communication, in other words we keep it real.

Step 3 is about choosing whether to tell the person directly or not. Remember telling them is not always the best idea. We should take time to practice and get better at translation. Just understanding ourselves better  and learning what we are saying indirectly will be a huge health promoting activity.

Let me finish now with a couple of examples that should make this process more clear. You might have something like “stop BLEEP bothering me! You are always BLEEP going on at me”. So we have been honest and let ourselves know what it is we wanted them to know. Next we filter it. First we make it more polite and get something like “leave me alone, you never stop criticising me”. Next we make it assertive which takes it back to the ‘I’ position and we get something like “when you go on at me like that I feel got at and not good enough”. Finally we make sure it is authentic and we end up with “When you go on at me like that I don’t feel good enough and I want to ask you to leave me alone but I don’t know how to say it”.

Finally you need to decide if it is time to say this directly to the person in question, or if you should just reflect on this disclosure ourselves.

Thanks for taking the time to read this, and I hope it helped you to improve your self-knowledge. If you practice you will get better and it will tell you a lot about yourself and your relationships. This is the principle that we are taking into account at this stage

‘Psychological processes always work their way out’

As you build this floor you need to reflect on your changes in motivation and meaning. Does the room have the same aims and meaning for you at this stage as it did when planning or in the foundation stage?

Some ground floor questions to meditate on

DESIGN

Are you using every room as you designed it? (How you are spending your time and who with)?

Are you still happy with your original design? (Are you changing your ideas)?

RELATIONSHIPS

Which relationships are in need of some attention (how do you need to change)?

Which boundaries have slipped (what do you need to change)?

Are you checking your foundation in each room (Is this pace safe for you)?

COMMUNICATION

How are you changing your communication style?

What is the biggest block to your communicating well?

Are you developing a more direct communication style?

Which rooms am I communicating best in?

RESPONSIBILITY

In which way do you need to develop your sense of responsibility in relationships?

How well are you using your most valuable asset (your past) to develop your communication and relationships?

3             Materials – Recovery building materials are things like honesty, humility, courage. It is important to check the quality of these materials.

4             Structure – As part of design and build we should also check that all the rooms needed in this recovery are included in the structure, including relationship, family, career and hobbies etc. Always remembering the room for the self!

 Also included at this level are two important features, the garden (boundaries) and the gate/front door. The fence is used to look at boundaries and we remind participants that every boundary is particular to a relationship, and every boundary is movable. The gate and the fence represent very important parts of our metaphor and it is worth taking a short detour to explain the way we use these further.

Exits – the gate

In order to explain this I am going to have to mention brain chemistry! There, I said it. But don’t worry, I am not going into any detail, just to say that addicts have a particular form of brain chemistry that allows them to have ‘exits’. It is important when you work with addicts that you understand this and that you help the addict understand that they are open to all kinds of shame and low self worth because they expect to react like other people. I explain that they have a different brain which allows you to ‘exit’. Even if someone drank like you or take drugs like you they would not get the same effect that you get as an addict.

If you think of your (internal) life as a room then an ‘exit’ is just that, it is a door with a lit sign above it marked ‘EXIT’. Normal brains do not have an exit door, people with normal brains remain themselves even when drunk or high. Of course they can still be harmed by these things and will show effects of drugs etc but will effectively become a more drunken version of themselves. The addict however appears to metamorphose into a completely different person when drunk or high. As an addict you have an option of not being you for a while if your ‘room’ becomes too uncomfortable with resentment or fear piling up in the corner. This is taken to extremes when you ‘black out’. This can be a calm decision based on something like boredom or it can be a panicky decision based on fear.

So what happens? It seems like you have the perfect answer! Just take a holiday from being you every time difficulties come! Unfortunately this does not work long term and eventually the cure becomes worse than the disease. Like any medication there are always side effects. By the time addicts get into this state they are usually so addicted that it seems impossible to stop. There is so much habituated behaviour going on.

Boundaries – the fence

One of the strongest and most important parts of our model is the idea of boundaries. A boundary is described exactly the same as a property fence and as we all know it is an important part of everyone’s lives. As part of this course I use boundaries in their most basic form, incorporating only two ideas

1                     That every boundary is particular to another person

2                     That every boundary is either too close to the house or too far away

If the boundary is too close we say that we are ‘mowing someone else’s lawn’. If it is too far away we say that “they are mowing our lawn”! In other words we are taking responsibility for something that is not ours or we are expecting someone else to be responsible for something that we should be attending to. Either way these are

Some foundation level questions to use in group

DESIGN

Is this design truly yours or has someone else designed your building?

Are you building in the right area?

MATERIALS

Which materials do you value most?

Which materials have you tried to skimp on?

SOLIDITY

Have you included all the rooms you will need in your plan?

Which rooms are you most threatened in?

Have you planned your rooms correctly?

Are my boundaries in place?

BOUNDARIES

Do you have a history of building your fence too close or too far away from the house?

In which relationships do the boundaries need to be adjusted?

 

1                     Is this the best place to build?

2                     Are you building too fast, or too slow?

3                     What rooms will you have in your house?

4                     Are you designing your house or someone else?

5                     What building materials will you use?

6                     Do you know your boundary lines?

7                     How solid is your foundation?

8                     Which rooms are not solid?

9                     How secure is your gate?

 

by | May 19, 2020 | A2R

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Building Recovery – Solidity and stability

by | May 1, 2020 | A2R

Okay. So you have looked at the challenges involved in your recovery. You have now considered the most important questions such as cost, location and design. We now need to think about starting the work of recovery. That means building a good foundation. Once we are sure that this building is your design, it’s in the right location and you are aware of and are willing to pay the cost of it, you are ready to start building.

There are further questions regarding this connected to boundaries, materials and rooms. But we’ll get to them later. The first and most important aspects of your foundation are solidity and stability and now is the time to understand them and construct them properly. Let me define what we are going to look at in this message.

Solidity is defined as an ability of your foundation to carry the weight of the building. So when you build on it it does not crumble! Stability is defined as the ability of your foundation to withstand unusual conditions such as storms and flooding. How well your foundation supports the building when the wind blows!

The importance of a good foundation

Let’s first acknowledge the most important thing about a building, every building. It rests or stands and relies upon a good foundation. If the foundation is not strong enough, the wrong size or not solid enough, the building will not stand! It does not matter how well you build the rest of the house. It will not matter how good the balcony looks or how stylish the curtains are. The whole thing is going to come down. So here is principle number One

Your whole recovery is going to rely on your foundation.

Build well don’t limit your recovery!

Now, there are two ways to make your foundation strong enough to support your recovery. Either you must make a thorough and solid foundation, or you must limit the size of your recovery! I want you to recognise this and choose the first option! Ask yourself this question, “do I want an authentic recovery, or do I want a limited recovery”? Authentic recovery brings the possibility of growth, success and fulfilment, a recovery limited by a weak foundation cannot grow!

Picture a large concrete foundation badly built with a small tent in one corner and you get the picture! Don’t limit your growth!

Before we go on to the details of how to build a proper foundation we should first define what we mean by this, what would a good foundation look like? Let me tell you how I define this. When you have built a good foundation you will be able to say this;

Nothing anyone can do or say can make me use or act out

And of course the reverse is also true. Nothing anyone does or says can stop you from recovering! It is so important that you start to own this project. At the planning stage you were thinking about doing something.

 At the foundation stage you are now making something! It is important that you now make it your own! It does not depend on others it depends on you. It is not owned by others it is owned by you. It is not maintained by others it is maintained by you. It is not designed by others it is designed by you! It’s yours!

That sense of ownership must now accompany you throughout the rest of your journey. Your foundation will be as good as your planning. Simply put your foundation is your abstinence, your clean self. It is on this abstinence that authentic recovery is built.

Abstinence is not recovery

So you can see from this that the foundation is hugely important! It is no small thing to achieve a good foundation! It is so great an achievement that there are some people that actually consider this foundation to be recovery! They would tell you that they have recovered because they have achieved this (usually accompanied by how long they have been ‘clean’), but I am defining it as only the beginning of an authentic recovery. If we stop there we have no house to live in, just something to stand on! I want to encourage you to build an authentic recovery. A recovery that includes the solid base to stand on, the house to live in and the possibility of growth towards the person you were always meant to be!

Let’s look at the challenge of constructing our foundation now and how it works. We will look at two big ideas, namely solidity and stability. We will also look at some of the peripheral issues of owning and building on our land, such as our boundary fence and our ‘gate’ or entrance/exit from our recovery.

Solidity – Where is your foundation weak?

Until we can say that ‘Nothing anyone can do or say can make me use or act out’ we are not ready to build anything on this foundation. It is the solidity question and it is always related to particular rooms (which you have named such as the ‘family’ room, career room etc.). We cannot build the ground floor until the foundation is completed and we cannot build the first floor until the ground floor is completed. I am risking repeating myself here but it is so important that you grasp the idea that there is simply no point in building further until you have a solid foundation. When using a metaphor like this these things are manifestly obvious but when applied to your ‘real life’ recovery the revelation can be shocking and powerful.

Stability – Building for the future

So how do we use this idea to reflect on our building? I want you to check out the definition of a completed foundation now. Relax and close your eyes once again. Picture your foundation. The concrete is poured the rooms have been defined by the foundation walls. Use your imagination now and allow yourself to walk around your foundation. Ask yourself honestly, is there anything anyone in this room could do or say that could convince me that using or acting out on my addiction would be a good idea? Is there anyone I meet in these rooms that has the power over me to make me use again? Is there anyone in these rooms that can hurt me enough to make me feel that I cannot cope with the pain? Is there anyone in these rooms that could remove their affection or themselves in a way that would have me using again?

I know that thinking about these things can be brutal and so I want to assure you that you do not need a perfect score at this point. It is not necessary for you to be invulnerable! But you must know where you are weak! Let me simplify this for you. Each time you realised that you are vulnerable to a certain person or a certain relationship it will have been in a particular room. So all we are saying is that you should not build on that part of the foundation yet. 

As usual a case example will help to clarify.

Steve – A typical case example

Steve is nearly a year ‘clean’ and is attending one of my groups. He is at the foundation stage. He goes through the exercise and discovers that he has no weakness in the family room. He has no weakness in the relationship room. But wait! He walks into the workroom’ and bang! He meets a couple of characters that can have him ‘using’ in a heartbeat. They have done it before. Steve has had attempts at recovery in the past although he admits that they were just attempts to ‘clear his head’

These two characters have both played their part in getting him back on the ‘stuff’. The first character makes him feel terrible about himself. He bullies and ‘takes the mick’ (aways in the name of fun but aggression is often justified this way). The second character is another typical ‘friend’ in an addict’s life. This is the guy that ‘uses a lot but does not seem to get worse. He can get you anything and always wants to score and ‘go for a few’. Steve has not been able to say no to this character in the past. 

So how do we proceed? Steve was advised not to build on this foundation. The other rooms are fine and we can progress to ‘first floor’ building but the work room is too shaky at the moment. In practice this means that it is not time for Steve to return to work yet (if he has a choice about that (in this case he did)). Steve was ‘signed off’ from work because of the addiction issues and this model helped him to understand and make sense of his journey, to construct it in a coherent way and to voice it in positive language. He could now choose not to build in this room. This brings in the function of ‘self determination’ (ref) which we will look at later.

How should Steve now proceed in this part of his foundation. He began some serious counselling work around his boundaries (ref) and his communication patterns (ref). Most of all he understood that his foundation was not completed and that solidity and stability must come before substantial building. Sometimes we will not have a choice about things like work and so in these situations I employ a principle that would certainly apply in something as difficult as building a house! The principle is this:

Difficulties are our best Teacher

As usual this can be easier to understand with an example I shall call Billy.

Billy – The sports professional

I have worked with many top professionals in sports, footballers and rugby players. As sports men and women it is easy for me to explain this idea using their experience of winning and losing. I asked Billy “which games do you learn the most from”? He answers without a pause “The ones we lose”! It’s very obvious isn’t it, but I continue to question because I want to establish the idea in Billy’s thinking. “Why is that, do you think”? “Because your weakness is exposed, you want to get better”. I could not have said it better myself. 

Billy understands that you learn almost nothing from the games you win. But the games you lose can be the most instructive. As long as you are willing to learn from them.

What have you learned about building

the foundation of your recovery?

So we can start to see how we can use the things that hurt us to grow. In the past you have naturally avoided the very things that can help you the most! Let’s remind ourselves now about the main features to consider when building your foundation.

1 S0lidity – There is simply no point building a foundation that will give way as soon as you start to build on it! Do not be tempted to rush into building too fast. Everything you build from now on will depend on the quality of this foundation.

2 Stability – The foundation must be stable in order to offer a place where you can live permenantly. Conditions will change! It will not always be sunny and calm. Storms will come and test the stability of your foundation severely at times. Don’t just build for the good times!

3 Materials – Building materials are important. The quality of the building is not just about your efforts. You also need good quality materials. Things like honesty, humility, courage, resilience and discipline. Commitment and sacrifice. It is important to check the quality of the materials you are using. Skimping on the quality of your materials is the fastest way to produce an unstable foundation.

4 Design – A good foundation is not just a random slab of concrete! Your design is ‘built into’ your foundation. Check that all the rooms needed in your recovery are included in the structural walls of the foundation, Including rooms for your relationship, family, career, hobbies etc. Always remembering the room for the self! Designing the rooms of your recovery building will help you identify where any weaknesses in your foundation are. 

Also included at this level are two important features, the garden (boundaries) and the gate/front door. The fence is used to look at boundaries and we remind participants that every boundary is particular to a relationship, and every boundary is movable. The gate and the fence represent ‘EXITS‘ in our metaphor and it is worth checking them out as part of your foundation building.

Building Recovery – Location

Building Recovery – Location

by | Jan 29, 2020 | A2R, Building Recovery, Planning

If you are thinking of attempting to get away from your addiction my advice is not to rush into it. Give yourself the best chance you can by preparing for it. I believe that it’s useful to use a metaphor such as ‘building a home’ as a way of understanding some of the challenges and their solutions. This is the third in a short series on preparation using that metaphor. We have already looked at design and cost. Now we are going to take a look at an equally important aspect of your preparation. Location.

 

In this metaphor location means who you are involved with socially, what neighbourhood do you want to live in? This part of the metaphor is one of the closest to the real thing as you may have to physically move in order to recover. To help you to think through the challenges involved here read through this article which will look at the assumptions we make as well as the grieving we must do.

Don’t assume that you can recover where you are

I often say that the ‘medical way’ of looking at recovering from addiction is not the most useful. It can lead to an idea that we can recover just by stopping using the drug of choice or the behaviour that is addictive and leave everything else the same. I want you to know that in most cases this idea has to go! If I said to you that in order to recover you had to change your social life completely what would you say?

When you recovery from addiction you must take into account many aspects of your life. There is the chemical aspect and the behavioural aspect. Of course these are seen as the most important. But there is also the Family aspect, the work aspect, the financial aspect and, last but not least, the social aspect. Who you spend your time with when you have a choice about it will have a huge impact on the quality of your recovery. As well as how hard it is to achieve.

Location, location, location!

 

One of the biggest questions you will ask yourself when you are thinking about building or buying your new home is “where do I want to live”? I want you to start thinking about this as part of your preparation. In using our metaphor of building your recovery, consider moving away from your current location. By which I mean the people you are spending time with. Ask yourself, what have they got me doing? What have they got me thinking? What follows are a few thoughts to help you to consider this question in more depth.

The disapproval of others

 

 

One of the things that will affect the way you think this through will be the influence others have on you. If you are ‘easily led’ or too keen to meet others expectations, you will tend towards staying where you are. This is because of the way that we tend to surround ourselves with people who agree with us. Social media has taken this to extremes these days by using algorithms that increasingly focus us on who we already are. This has a tendency to make us more closed minded and narrow. It’s an extreme version of what we do socially.

Make no mistake, when you move home you will upset some people who had other plans for you. Even if all you are doing for them is making them look more normal by drinking as much as they do, they will argue for you to ‘stay where you are’. If you have been using drugs or drinking for a long time it can be your whole social world. Take the time to think through the difficulties here and how you might cope with them. 

 

Acceptance of limitations

You may have a tendency to overestimate your ability to cope with things. An inflated ego goes hand in hand with low self worth. Don’t be fooled by that cocky overconfident voice that tells you that ‘you’ll be fine’. Staying in the same ‘location’ can mean that you are surrounded by people who have a vested interest in keeping you addicted. 

 

Ask yourself this “how easy is it for me to say no to my friends”? In other articles you will learn about your ‘triggers’. How many of them are produced by your friends can be shocking. Being honest about your limitations can be the best preparatory step you take.

Letting go of quick fixes

As part of my work I have worked with many sportsmen, including wrestlers and trainers. They are the ones most likely to understand what I mean when I say that becoming mentally ‘fit’ is very similar to becoming physically fit. It as about the same level of difficulty, it takes about the same amount of time and is about as challenging to maintain. Take a look at your tendency to ‘minimise’ things now. This is not a quick fix. This is not going to be as easy as you may have found other challenges. Buying a new home is a twenty five year commitment. The more you have that in perspective the better chance you have.

Expect to grieve the old location

 

If you move (and I want you to know that most of you need to) you will begin a grieving process. This is normal and inevitable. It forms one of the major difficulties in recovery. Although it is often played down or missed out altogether in some approaches. Why might you find it so difficult? Mainly because you may be ignorant of it. If you do not expect to go through it you will misunderstand it and will probably feel there is something wrong with your recovery.

I want to take you through the different phases of bereavement as well as some of the typical things you can expect as part of this process. This will help as I always say…..

Expectation changes experience!

One of the things that will affect the way you think this through will be the influence others have on you. If you are ‘easily led’ or too keen to meet others expectations, you will tend towards staying where you are. This is because of the way that we tend to surround ourselves with people who agree with us. Social media has taken this to extremes these days by using algorithms that increasingly focus us on who we already are. This has a tendency to make us more closed minded and narrow and is an extreme version of what we do socially.

Make no mistake, when you move home you will upset some people who had other plans for you. Even if all you are doing for them is making them look more normal by drinking as much as they do, they will argue for you to ‘stay where you are’. If you have been using drugs or drinking for a long time it can be your whole social world. Take the time to think through the difficulties here and how you might cope with them. 

Denial 

Denial is part of the early stages of bereavement and in terms of your recovery is often felt prior to giving up. In the same way that, if their loved one is involved in a long illness, a family often begin their grieving prior to losing them. So make sure that you are no longer in denial by the time you decide to quit. Preparation can include quite a lot of the grieving process prior to stopping.

Bargaining 

Bargaining is a complex form of denial that either minimises the loss or creates a ‘deal’ that influences the loss. Usually by some form of commitment. In the loss of a loved one, it often takes the form of charity work. Essentially the deal is something like “If I can raise enough money for research into this illness, it won’t have really happened”. In the context of recovery it sometimes takes the form of ‘service’ in a fellowship such as AA. Or it can be the throwing of yourself into ‘being the Dad you should have been’ etc. When it comes prior to stopping it is often a form of minimising such as “this is no big deal”.

Depression and Anger 

I’m going to put these two stages together for the sake of this article as there are so many cross over points. Although they are different, in standard bereavement they are interchangeable and may come and go to an extent.

Without understanding that this is a normal and expected phase depression and anger can get in the way of your growth in recovery. No matter how bad it was, it probably wasn’t all bad. There are parts of your experience that you will naturally miss. There are things that your ‘addicted self’ could do that your ‘recovered self’ cannot, such as ‘exit-ing’ for the afternoon when you’re a bit bored. Depression and anger can also be part of regret. Remember that any form of addiction means that you are not where you should be in life. Your career, your family, your relationship. Even your bank balance are all affected. When you look at others who can seemingly do what you cannot. These are all common reasons to get angry or to become depressed, or both.

 Acceptance

Of course acceptance is the final stage of bereavement, when you come to terms with reality and make peace with God or life or fate. And this is another reason why it is a part of recovery you need to be involved with. Again, this may be something you reach prior to stopping! Generally, this is achieved as part of your abstinent time but be aware that the depth of your preparation can cause you to go through the whole bereavement process prior to stopping.

Generally acceptance can be compared with a full recovery since it is a necessary component of a complete recovery. Although acceptance itself would not achieve your full recovery as I have seen people accept that they must not drink any more but not be much closer to truly recovering. Try the following exercise to get some idea of whether you need to move your location. 

The relationship exercise

Again, just a simple exercise to get you thinking about the way your relationships construct you. And how they affect you. You will need a pen and paper only.

Write down the names of everyone you spend time with. About ten people is the average. Now think about scoring them from 1 to 10. The important thing here is that you are scoring them on how you feel about yourself after you have been with them. Not how you feel about them. 

So, anyone above five is someone who you should consider spending more time with. Anyone below five you should consider spending less time with. This counts for family as well as friends and work colleagues. How does this affect your decision to move away from this area? If most are scoring less than five you almost certainly need to be thinking about moving away. Which means getting new friends or even a new job. If most are scoring over five then you are good to stay where you are. Just maybe make one or two adjustments.

So now we have covered the big three of preparation, Location Design and cost. The next series will be about your foundation building on which the rest of your house will stand. Till next time, don’t build too fast, or too slow.

 

Building Recovery – Cost

Building Recovery – Cost

by | Jan 8, 2020 | A2R

Now we are going to get into more detail about the idea of ‘cost’. Another one of the ‘big three’ things to consider when building your recovery along with ‘design’ and ‘location’. Most of us get the general idea that things cost and that we have to pay, but what exactly is the cost of your recovery? If we do not know the cost then we cannot know if we are willing to pay it. So it’s not surprising that this is one of the biggest blocks to recovery. Let’s take a closer look at how much this new home is going to cost.

Always remember when doing any of these exercises that the more you imagine your recovery home as a real home, the better it will work for you as a genuine aid. So ask the same questions you would ask when considering a new home. These are exactly the same questions you need to ask about your recovery. So think of cost as things you will have to give and things you will have to give up. Probably the first thing you would think of when considering moving would be cost. What can you afford? What would you be willing to pay? It’s exactly the same with your recovery.

Don’t assume that you will be willing to pay

The first thing you need to do is tackle the assumption that you will pay anything. Those of you who have tried to recover in the past will know that this is a dangerous assumption to make. A typical idea here is that  your addicted life has been all bad. That there was nothing good about it. Not true. Don’t fall into the trap of the ‘medical model’ that removes any choices and says that you were powerless over everything. 

Considering yourself as the manager of your own life is an empowering shift in your thinking. You were making choices and remember, it worked for a while. If what you were doing was still working you would still be doing it! But it stopped working and so you need to seriously consider the cost of your recovery. Here is a shortlist of things that you will need to pay.

The disapproval of others 

Not everyone is going to like how you change and what you do. Loss of their approval includes the idea of doing things that are hard that only you can see. If you have been big on ‘approval’ this can be a huge cost. Make up your mind to stick to your design.

Acceptance of limitations

You can’t spend money twice! If you are going to pay for your recovery then the money has gone. If you decide that spending more time with the kids is part of your recovered lifestyle then that time is spent and cannot be spent elsewhere. Make up your mind to value the money you are spending.

Letting go of quick fixes

Buying your new home is a long term goal. It involves working and paying for something that does not appear immediately. Before some of us can buy our new place we have to save up for a deposit. This means working hard for something we do not even have yet! If you have been a typical addict you will only have been willing to pay for something you get right now! Make up your mind to let go of quick fixes.

Cost is an investment

So the first thing I want you to do is to get your attitude right towards this idea of cost. If you are not used to thinking about paying then you will probably be feeling bad about the idea of how hard this will be. Well, that’s not a bad thing to come to terms with but I want you to think of the cost more as an investment. You are going to get something amazing out of this! I want to now take a look at some of the challenges you face when deciding to pay for your recovery.

You are responsible for the payment

Really this is a boundary question. Most addicted lifestyles include the idea that someone else is going to look after us or pay for what we need. One of the biggest parts of your preparation is understanding that you are responsible for the payment! When you sign for your house you are saying that you will pay. If the payment is not made it is you they will be looking for. Anyone who has been in this position will know that this is a 24/7 difficulty. Don’t sign for something you are not willing to pay for!

Paying is uncomfortable

Over the years of working in this field one of the things that quickly became very obvious is the way that people become very wary of discomfort. As you became more and more dependent on your drug or behaviour you will have developed this aversion to certain discomforts. This behaviour develops into a belief that you are not supposed to feel any discomfort! This is inevitably accompanied by greater and greater dependence on the things that offer quick fixes.

I have seen several people run out of treatment centres at the thought that things may get uncomfortable in the future. This is before they have even come down off the drugs or been detoxed! So strong is the belief that discomfort is to be avoided at all costs. But discomfort is normal and inevitable. All adults face discomfort every day. Remember, if you expect discomfort it’s a lot easier to deal with. Expectations change experiences.

If you are willing to face discomfort as part of your commitment to your recovery you will discover two things that all adults know. That paying for good things is uncomfortable, and that discomfort does not kill you!

The world does not owe you your new home

One of the most damaging beliefs in early recovery is the idea that you have done the world a huge favour by becoming ‘clean’. This one idea can get in the way of your recovery for years. If you are going to build your recovery then you are doing it for yourself. The rest of the world is not going to live in it. Just you. So it is for you to pay the cost. No one is going to pay it for you.

So make sure it is what you want and that you are willing to pay. If you are paying for a new home when actually you do not want it you will resent every penny and, what’s worse, you will expect everybody to be grateful. When others around you stop appreciating all that you are doing for them by paying for this home you will tear it down out of frustration and anger. So the question of cost becomes “do you want this for yourself, or does someone else want it for you”.

You can’t keep the old home

According to the old saying you can’t have your cake and eat it. This is just as true when it comes to your recovery. You can’t live in two homes at the same time. The idea of living a ‘double life’ is part of the idea of deceit and secrecy that forms a big part of the addicted lifestyle. Part of the cost of building your recovery is the realisation that the cost is high. Meaning that it’s going to take all you have. Meaning that you can’t afford to keep the old home going. 

In the old home you may have been managing others approval. Making sure that, in appearance at least, they would be happy with what you were doing and saying. Letting go of others approval can be one of the biggest costs.

This connects with the idea of reality over appearances. Not everyone has as big a problem with this as I did, but it’s worth considering how much you have invested in the appearance of something. In the old home how much time did you spend, how much effort did you put into convincing people of something that was not true? Something that was not real? Make your mind up to now build something real, something substantial. 

The best materials cost more

This leads us to the idea of building materials. We are not ready to build yet, we are just thinking about it. But it’s time to think about the quality of the materials we are going to use. Some of you may remember the film ‘The Towering Inferno’ which dealt with the idea of buildings that were too high for firefighters effectively fight the fires. You may remember that the whole concept of the film was based on the son of the architect skimping on the quality of the materials used in the construction. This is what caused the fire. 

We are now looking at one of the most important aspects of deceit. Saying we will use the best materials but in the end not being willing to pay for them. So what are these materials?

When you build your recovery you are building your character. Your addicted self will have been built largely using appearances. Convincing people that you were this or that kind of person became a substitute for real character. As long as they believed it, it didn’t matter that it was not true. Saying you were fine when you were not. Agreeing with something when in reality you resented it. Believing it was more important that you convinced people of something than whether it was true or not.

Your recovery is built with principles. These principles are real, not appearances. It’s no good saying we are going to be honest. Creating the appearance of honesty when we are not willing to pay the price of honesty doesn’t build anything. Other important materials are humility, discipline and perseverance. You need to build with the best materials you can afford.

Later in the course you will learn more about these principles and how to build with them. For now take some time to think about cost and building something that will stand the test of time.

Building Recovery – Your design

Building Recovery – Your design

by | Dec 27, 2019 | A2R

Of the three most impotrtant factors when thinking about building your recovery – Design, cost and location. We could say that design is the one I see most often misunderstood, or left out altogether. Remember, if you do not design your recovery, someone else will!

Why is this important? Because if you live in a building someone else has designed you will resent it. And eventually you will pull the whole thing down yourself! I have seen it happen more times than I want to think about. So let’s learn more about what it means to design your own recovery.

The Big Three – Cost – Location – Design

In the first of three posts I am now going to get into more detail about the concept of ‘design’. Which is one of the ‘big three’ things to consider when building your recovery along with ‘cost’ and ‘location’. What do I mean by design and how can you create a good design for yourself? And how can you make sure that it remains your design as you develop your recovered self? Let’s start with how to create the basic design.

Always remember when doing any of these exercises that the more you imagine this as a real home, the better it will work for you as a genuine aid. Remember that the same questions you would ask when considering a new home are exactly the same questions you need to ask about your recovery. So think of cost in two ways. As things you will have to give and things you will have to give up. No longer acting the way you did is a cost and not having neighbours you liked would be a loss.

Location Location Location

Think of Location as who you will be living next to. In other words which relationships do you need to let go of and which relationships do you need to develop more?

There is a short exercise I use for this, the concept is simple. Write down the names of everyone you see regularly. Now score them out of 10 by how you feel about yourself after you have been with them. Remember, it’s not how you feel about them. It’s how you feel about yourself. Everyone who scores less than five is a person you need to move away from or consider limiting the amount of time you spend with them. Everyone who scores more than five is someone you should consider spending more time with. 

It must be your design

Your recovery building
It doesn’t matter how different it looks, it must be your design!

The idea of moving into a new home but not getting what you want is really frustrating. Imagine wanting a big garden but being persuaded by a friend or family member to buy a place with no garden for whatever reason. Every time you arrive home the garden would remind you that this was not your choice! That gets old pretty quick.

So how do we think about design? We start by looking at the way things were. How did you spend your time? Who did you spend your time with? This is the old design and being real about what it looked like is the first step. Next we need to imagine it as your old building. The one your ‘addicted self’ lived in. If this was a building design how many rooms would it have? And which would be the biggest room? Rooms will be labelled as work, family and personal time. Ask yourself honestly how much time you spent in the different rooms. The more accurately you do this, the better your chances of getting what you want.

Making a plan

Now it’s time to make the floor plan. Draw it simply and think of the size of the building as the amount of time you have. So the rooms represent both how many different things you do, but also describe the proportion of time you spend doing them. How do you want the new place to be different? Now you’re going to need a second floor plan. This should give you a clear view of how you have lived and how you want to change.  

Floor plans comparing the old home with the new one

These drawings should be very basic, just like the ones above. Floor plans showing the rooms that you lived in as well as the names of the rooms. Be honest and use what you have learned from the FREDS list about who you really have been. 

Making the Transition

Moving from one ‘home’ to another is part of what I call the ‘work of recovery’. Notice how much smaller the ‘work’ room is in the new house above. We now need a plan of how to build the new home in the way we wanted it.

Fill your calendar
Fill in every waking hour and colour code for each room.

To do this I want you to consider using a tool such as Google Calendar or something similar. Think about how you use your time. Most of you are already using something like this and, if you are like me you will probably be inserting things like meetings and phone calls etc. But you are always doing something! So now decide on your ‘waking’ hours and put something in for every hour. Even if you decide to do nothing that’s fine. try colour coding for the different rooms for greater clarity.

Now, does the percentage of time match the way you have set up your rooms. Or does it still look like the old house? Consider changing things till you achieve the balance that is right for you.

Remember, this is an aim, so go at the right pace for yourself. Don’t build too fast or too slowly.