Building Recovery – Cost

Building Recovery – Cost

by | Jan 8, 2020 | A2R

Now we are going to get into more detail about the idea of ‘cost’. Another one of the ‘big three’ things to consider when building your recovery along with ‘design’ and ‘location’. Most of us get the general idea that things cost and that we have to pay, but what exactly is the cost of your recovery? If we do not know the cost then we cannot know if we are willing to pay it. So it’s not surprising that this is one of the biggest blocks to recovery. Let’s take a closer look at how much this new home is going to cost.

Always remember when doing any of these exercises that the more you imagine your recovery home as a real home, the better it will work for you as a genuine aid. So ask the same questions you would ask when considering a new home. These are exactly the same questions you need to ask about your recovery. So think of cost as things you will have to give and things you will have to give up. Probably the first thing you would think of when considering moving would be cost. What can you afford? What would you be willing to pay? It’s exactly the same with your recovery.

Don’t assume that you will be willing to pay

The first thing you need to do is tackle the assumption that you will pay anything. Those of you who have tried to recover in the past will know that this is a dangerous assumption to make. A typical idea here is that  your addicted life has been all bad. That there was nothing good about it. Not true. Don’t fall into the trap of the ‘medical model’ that removes any choices and says that you were powerless over everything. 

Considering yourself as the manager of your own life is an empowering shift in your thinking. You were making choices and remember, it worked for a while. If what you were doing was still working you would still be doing it! But it stopped working and so you need to seriously consider the cost of your recovery. Here is a shortlist of things that you will need to pay.

The disapproval of others 

Not everyone is going to like how you change and what you do. Loss of their approval includes the idea of doing things that are hard that only you can see. If you have been big on ‘approval’ this can be a huge cost. Make up your mind to stick to your design.

Acceptance of limitations

You can’t spend money twice! If you are going to pay for your recovery then the money has gone. If you decide that spending more time with the kids is part of your recovered lifestyle then that time is spent and cannot be spent elsewhere. Make up your mind to value the money you are spending.

Letting go of quick fixes

Buying your new home is a long term goal. It involves working and paying for something that does not appear immediately. Before some of us can buy our new place we have to save up for a deposit. This means working hard for something we do not even have yet! If you have been a typical addict you will only have been willing to pay for something you get right now! Make up your mind to let go of quick fixes.

Cost is an investment

So the first thing I want you to do is to get your attitude right towards this idea of cost. If you are not used to thinking about paying then you will probably be feeling bad about the idea of how hard this will be. Well, that’s not a bad thing to come to terms with but I want you to think of the cost more as an investment. You are going to get something amazing out of this! I want to now take a look at some of the challenges you face when deciding to pay for your recovery.

You are responsible for the payment

Really this is a boundary question. Most addicted lifestyles include the idea that someone else is going to look after us or pay for what we need. One of the biggest parts of your preparation is understanding that you are responsible for the payment! When you sign for your house you are saying that you will pay. If the payment is not made it is you they will be looking for. Anyone who has been in this position will know that this is a 24/7 difficulty. Don’t sign for something you are not willing to pay for!

Paying is uncomfortable

Over the years of working in this field one of the things that quickly became very obvious is the way that people become very wary of discomfort. As you became more and more dependent on your drug or behaviour you will have developed this aversion to certain discomforts. This behaviour develops into a belief that you are not supposed to feel any discomfort! This is inevitably accompanied by greater and greater dependence on the things that offer quick fixes.

I have seen several people run out of treatment centres at the thought that things may get uncomfortable in the future. This is before they have even come down off the drugs or been detoxed! So strong is the belief that discomfort is to be avoided at all costs. But discomfort is normal and inevitable. All adults face discomfort every day. Remember, if you expect discomfort it’s a lot easier to deal with. Expectations change experiences.

If you are willing to face discomfort as part of your commitment to your recovery you will discover two things that all adults know. That paying for good things is uncomfortable, and that discomfort does not kill you!

The world does not owe you your new home

One of the most damaging beliefs in early recovery is the idea that you have done the world a huge favour by becoming ‘clean’. This one idea can get in the way of your recovery for years. If you are going to build your recovery then you are doing it for yourself. The rest of the world is not going to live in it. Just you. So it is for you to pay the cost. No one is going to pay it for you.

So make sure it is what you want and that you are willing to pay. If you are paying for a new home when actually you do not want it you will resent every penny and, what’s worse, you will expect everybody to be grateful. When others around you stop appreciating all that you are doing for them by paying for this home you will tear it down out of frustration and anger. So the question of cost becomes “do you want this for yourself, or does someone else want it for you”.

You can’t keep the old home

According to the old saying you can’t have your cake and eat it. This is just as true when it comes to your recovery. You can’t live in two homes at the same time. The idea of living a ‘double life’ is part of the idea of deceit and secrecy that forms a big part of the addicted lifestyle. Part of the cost of building your recovery is the realisation that the cost is high. Meaning that it’s going to take all you have. Meaning that you can’t afford to keep the old home going. 

In the old home you may have been managing others approval. Making sure that, in appearance at least, they would be happy with what you were doing and saying. Letting go of others approval can be one of the biggest costs.

This connects with the idea of reality over appearances. Not everyone has as big a problem with this as I did, but it’s worth considering how much you have invested in the appearance of something. In the old home how much time did you spend, how much effort did you put into convincing people of something that was not true? Something that was not real? Make your mind up to now build something real, something substantial. 

The best materials cost more

This leads us to the idea of building materials. We are not ready to build yet, we are just thinking about it. But it’s time to think about the quality of the materials we are going to use. Some of you may remember the film ‘The Towering Inferno’ which dealt with the idea of buildings that were too high for firefighters effectively fight the fires. You may remember that the whole concept of the film was based on the son of the architect skimping on the quality of the materials used in the construction. This is what caused the fire. 

We are now looking at one of the most important aspects of deceit. Saying we will use the best materials but in the end not being willing to pay for them. So what are these materials?

When you build your recovery you are building your character. Your addicted self will have been built largely using appearances. Convincing people that you were this or that kind of person became a substitute for real character. As long as they believed it, it didn’t matter that it was not true. Saying you were fine when you were not. Agreeing with something when in reality you resented it. Believing it was more important that you convinced people of something than whether it was true or not.

Your recovery is built with principles. These principles are real, not appearances. It’s no good saying we are going to be honest. Creating the appearance of honesty when we are not willing to pay the price of honesty doesn’t build anything. Other important materials are humility, discipline and perseverance. You need to build with the best materials you can afford.

Later in the course you will learn more about these principles and how to build with them. For now take some time to think about cost and building something that will stand the test of time.

Building Recovery – Your design

Building Recovery – Your design

by | Dec 27, 2019 | A2R

Of the three most impotrtant factors when thinking about building your recovery – Design, cost and location. We could say that design is the one I see most often misunderstood, or left out altogether. Remember, if you do not design your recovery, someone else will!

Why is this important? Because if you live in a building someone else has designed you will resent it. And eventually you will pull the whole thing down yourself! I have seen it happen more times than I want to think about. So let’s learn more about what it means to design your own recovery.

The Big Three – Cost – Location – Design

In the first of three posts I am now going to get into more detail about the concept of ‘design’. Which is one of the ‘big three’ things to consider when building your recovery along with ‘cost’ and ‘location’. What do I mean by design and how can you create a good design for yourself? And how can you make sure that it remains your design as you develop your recovered self? Let’s start with how to create the basic design.

Always remember when doing any of these exercises that the more you imagine this as a real home, the better it will work for you as a genuine aid. Remember that the same questions you would ask when considering a new home are exactly the same questions you need to ask about your recovery. So think of cost in two ways. As things you will have to give and things you will have to give up. No longer acting the way you did is a cost and not having neighbours you liked would be a loss.

Location Location Location

Think of Location as who you will be living next to. In other words which relationships do you need to let go of and which relationships do you need to develop more?

There is a short exercise I use for this, the concept is simple. Write down the names of everyone you see regularly. Now score them out of 10 by how you feel about yourself after you have been with them. Remember, it’s not how you feel about them. It’s how you feel about yourself. Everyone who scores less than five is a person you need to move away from or consider limiting the amount of time you spend with them. Everyone who scores more than five is someone you should consider spending more time with. 

It must be your design

Your recovery building
It doesn’t matter how different it looks, it must be your design!

The idea of moving into a new home but not getting what you want is really frustrating. Imagine wanting a big garden but being persuaded by a friend or family member to buy a place with no garden for whatever reason. Every time you arrive home the garden would remind you that this was not your choice! That gets old pretty quick.

So how do we think about design? We start by looking at the way things were. How did you spend your time? Who did you spend your time with? This is the old design and being real about what it looked like is the first step. Next we need to imagine it as your old building. The one your ‘addicted self’ lived in. If this was a building design how many rooms would it have? And which would be the biggest room? Rooms will be labelled as work, family and personal time. Ask yourself honestly how much time you spent in the different rooms. The more accurately you do this, the better your chances of getting what you want.

Making a plan

Now it’s time to make the floor plan. Draw it simply and think of the size of the building as the amount of time you have. So the rooms represent both how many different things you do, but also describe the proportion of time you spend doing them. How do you want the new place to be different? Now you’re going to need a second floor plan. This should give you a clear view of how you have lived and how you want to change.  

Floor plans comparing the old home with the new one

These drawings should be very basic, just like the ones above. Floor plans showing the rooms that you lived in as well as the names of the rooms. Be honest and use what you have learned from the FREDS list about who you really have been. 

Making the Transition

Moving from one ‘home’ to another is part of what I call the ‘work of recovery’. Notice how much smaller the ‘work’ room is in the new house above. We now need a plan of how to build the new home in the way we wanted it.

Fill your calendar
Fill in every waking hour and colour code for each room.

To do this I want you to consider using a tool such as Google Calendar or something similar. Think about how you use your time. Most of you are already using something like this and, if you are like me you will probably be inserting things like meetings and phone calls etc. But you are always doing something! So now decide on your ‘waking’ hours and put something in for every hour. Even if you decide to do nothing that’s fine. try colour coding for the different rooms for greater clarity.

Now, does the percentage of time match the way you have set up your rooms. Or does it still look like the old house? Consider changing things till you achieve the balance that is right for you.

Remember, this is an aim, so go at the right pace for yourself. Don’t build too fast or too slowly.

The trap of success and failure

The trap of success and failure

by | Apr 8, 2019 | A2R

Most things exist in a form which can be thought of as a duality. Would you know what ‘up’ is if there was no ‘down’? Dark if there was no ‘light’. Left and right, wrong and right. I think you get the idea.
My name is Dave Cooper and I am a recovery coach and psychotherapist. I believe that setting our success goals too tightly and narrowly in recovery is a trap. Having seen hundreds of people caught in it and helped them to get out of it I want to talk about the nature of the trap and how it can stand in the way of genuine recovery. Do you feel caught in a trap when you attempt to recover from addiction? Would you like to know how to avoid this trap? Read on for the answer!

How is the trap set up?

So how does this narrow definition apply to recovery from addiction and dependence? What is the typical situation once addiction has been discovered? Common sense tells us that ‘drugs are the problem’ therefore we conclude that I-he-she-they need to stop! But what have we done here? We have defined success and in so doing we have also defined failure.

Why abstinence is not a good target!

what is the best target?

Your problem started when you defined abstinence as ‘success’. Because success is one half of a duo. The other being… you guessed it, failure. So when we invite success in we end up entertaining failure as well. They go together and cannot be separated. So you enter the trap when you believe the idea that you are only ‘acceptable’ as a human being when you are ‘clean’.

I believe that abstinence is much too narrow an aim. So learn to think much more ‘relationally‘ for authentic recovery.

Now I want to focus on the trap itself which is set up by this ‘common sense’ thinking. Aiming for abstinence. How did you get caught in this trap and what makes it so deadly? How does it work? Would you consider doing a short experiment with me? You could try this now if you like. Like a lot of these exercises it is very simple but very effective.

The cycle of addiction

One of the first things I do with new clients is to ask them to draw up their cycle of addiction. This is an exercise that will help you to make sense of the pattern of your dependence. So you will learn about yourself by drawing up the whole cycle from start to finish. Including the four phases of the cycle, Success, Coasting, Flagging and Failing will help you make sense of your experience.

If you haven’t done anything like this yet give it a try. It will really help you to make sense of your pattern of success and failure. Which is the trap you have fallen into in your life. You just need a pen and paper.

Start by drawing a large circle on the sheet of paper. Next place the figures as you see them below with 12 at the top and so on. Just like a clock face. Now in order to make sense of this idea it is important that you start and finish at the top. 12 o clock represents that moment when you have just stopped using or acting out and have decided to stay stopped.

The length of your cycle

Your cycle could be as quick as 24 hours if it involves something like cocaine. Or as long as six months if you are a binge drinker. If your addiction or dependence is more behavioral the length of the cycle could be more contingent on things like how long a project took at work. Or how long you were out on tour.

Don’t worry about the time it takes to get around your cycle, just think about the way you move through the four sections which I will now describe.

Success period

The first section is ‘success’! This one runs from 12-o-clock till 3-o-clock and may be full of hope and include a detox or treatment. It is the time where you have got clean and decided (for whatever reason) that you need to stop. You are committed and have a good reason to stay stopped. You have the recent memory of what a disaster using or acting out has been for you, and it is a fresh start!

Typical feelings and drivers at this stage are: Wanting to impress those around you that you are back and functioning again. Needing to get people to trust you and believe you. Needing to convince people that it won’t happen again. Hoping that people will not carry out the threats they have made like sacking you or leaving you.

Coasting period

So what happens? The next period I call ‘coasting’. this is often after a period of being ‘under scrutiny’ from others. maybe you have made promises etc. or are on trial at work. Once the heat is off you will enter a period of ‘coasting’. Which means that you are no longer trying so hard and you may have stopped practicing certain methods or guidance from a therapist or group. But you are still feeling good about what you are doing and you may still be getting encouragement from family friends or work colleagues.

Typical feelings during this period are: I’ve cracked it! This is easy. I am strong and I can do this. Everyone is congratulating me and I like the attention. Everyone appreciated the effort I am putting in.

Flagging period

What happens next? I call this period ‘flagging’ because after a while everyone stops congratulating you. They don’t even seem to notice that you are not doing what you like to do! They don’t appreciate you and the energy that kept you coasting has now run down. This means that things are still hard and may be getting harder but there is no longer any apparent benefit. The other thing that may be happening is that people around you are talking about how well you are doing whilst you are feeling worse and worse! as things get difficult you start to go back to old strategies like isolating or deceitful methods.

Typical effects of this phase are: Noticing unhappy or negative feelings more than positive ones. resenting people for not noticing your efforts any more. Feeling unhappy that people still do not trust you even after all this effort. Feeling bored or fed up with your recovery work. Finding that things are too much effort.

Failure period

At some stage this turns into out and out failure and you start using or acting out again. It all gets too difficult and one day using seems like a good idea again. This is often accompanied with lying or some kind of deceit. Of course the acting out or using shifts you more into the ‘dead world’ and so your living relationships start to suffer. At some point the whole thing comes crashing down and you decide you must stop and change. this may or may not include ultimatums from loved ones or your boss at work. either way, you are back at 12-o-clock.

Once you understand this pattern in general terms add your particular details in the way you see below. This can be done initially with whatever comes to mind as you meditate or become mindful around this cycle. Later you can do many of these cycles from all kinds of perspectives, such as an emotional perspective. How does it feel when you are in these different segments? Or from a relationship perspective. But first understand the basic idea

Typical feelings during this phase are: Justifying your attitudes because you are not understood. Feeling that you are being forced to be dishonest. Isolating because no one cares.

How does this fit with your cycle?

Now try adding some of your particulars to this idea. To help you get started I have included another diagram below with some of the typical things I see in my clients work. Such as – Getting back to work, being part of a team again. Functioning and earning. Of course it is likely that you will be trying too hard to impress everyone that ‘you are back’!

Notice below how the client starts off by ‘feeling great’! This is one of the biggest problems with the ‘abstinence aim’. What I want you to see is that the better you feel when you start at 12-o-clock, the worse you feel when you start using again! This is how the trap works.

Detailing your cycle of addiction

If you completed the exercise you can probably see how your experiences fitted with the four phases of success, coasting, flagging and failing. Of course your cycle may look somewhat different but most of you will have got a lot from this exercise. Now apply this learning to the main idea of this piece, which is the trap of success and failure.

Putting it all together

I am going to give you an example of this which sometimes explains better. If we take the story of our client who says “I have to stop” to the next stage, what usually happens? Well, he stops! So what’s the problem you ask. He has achieved his goal on Monday eight-o’clock day one! Not bad. But what happens? Notice that this is not a growth goal, it is achieved instantly and instant ‘triumph’ brings a sense of pride. You often see this at this stage. And it’s often made more intense by the family who understandably want to see more of it.

Okay, so what happens now? He starts to count the days and maybe starts to wonder what all the fuss was about. This was easy! But he starts to feel worse. Maybe the family don’t appreciate his efforts as much after a few weeks. Maybe the boss is being too hard on him. At some point the inevitable happens and he is drunk again. Now he plummets from being a great success to being a terrible failure. Depression and isolation can follow.

Dealing with our success and failure

No one put it better than the poet Rudyard Kipling in his poem ‘if’.
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EEFMVIfl2UY  

Triumph and disaster are ‘success and failure’ and he calls them both ‘imposters’! He suggests that we treat them both the same, by which he means that we should reject them both.

If I ask you to think about the product of these states you will probably end up with something approaching pride and shame! That’s where they lead! The last thing you need is to get caught up in these as you cannot thik clearly about your situation and how to help yourself from these ‘states’.

I hope that you can now see the trap of success and failure and maybe you know that you have been caught in it. Please try your best to avoid feeling bad about this, rather concentrate on what you have learned today! (Did you notice what I did there? I got you out of the trap!)

I help people to see the trap for what it is and how counter productive it is. Similarly you can outgrow this trap for yourself. The way the trap works is through the addictive cycle and your efforts to succeed.

The healthy alternative

Remember at the beginning of this I called success and failure a ‘duality of concepts’. We have just spent some time looking at how these opposites can create a trap which you can become stuck in for years. But what is the alternative? I help my clients aim for something that is not part of a duality but is more of a unity or single thing. Growth!

I tell them that….

growth produces abstinence but abstinence does not produce growth!

You can think of this simply as a commitment to learning from everything that happens.

Growth as an aim

So try to avoid thinking of things as ‘good’ or ‘bad’ and start asking the question “what does this have to teach me”? Want to know more about this? here is a link to the ‘recovery box’.

You will only be able to get the most out of your learning if you are not working from a strong sense of shame or pride (which the trap of success and failure produces) so you can see why I asked you to do your ‘addictive cycle’ and how it could be so helpful in making progress.

As a result you will avoid setting yourself up to fail again! Remember you are not a success! You are not a failure! You are a human being! if you could go any faster you would.

Finally here are a few thoughts that will help you avoid the trap or dissolve it.

People will trust you when they decide to.

Your recovery is based on healthy thinking and values, not how long you have been ‘clean’.

People see more than what you show them.

Also at the end of every day ask yourself, “have I learned everything I can from what happened today”? And “Am I willing to apply what I have learned in the future”? If your answer is yes then you will become unstoppable. Then your recovery will become inevitable. And of course you will be out of the trap!

If you want to know more about this approach to recovery contact me at info@davecoopercounselling.org.uk

King Baby comes of age!

King Baby comes of age!

by | Sep 18, 2018 | A2R, Advanced Recovery, Building Recovery

What new things we have learned about this old idea

I wanted to share some thoughts with you today around the idea of the ‘King Baby’. This idea has evolved a lot in recent years. I believe it is now a really valuable approach and method to have in your tool box whatever stage of recovery or growth you are at. In this article I will take you through the development of this idea and how the latest evidence suggests that we should all be using it.

Get psycho-educated!

This whole approach of therapists telling clients what they are trying to do comes under the heading of ‘Psycho-Education’ so I should say something about that first. I have always naturally included the idea of ‘transparency’ in my work. I have always tried to avoid doing something without someone knowing what I am doing.

But the idea of ‘psycho-education has got a lot more press lately and so I just wanted to say that I think it’s great. But only up to a point and not with everybody. We generally move away from a ‘combative’ relationship when I use the psycho-education approach. A more collaborative relationship works better in therapy work. We become more of a team with a common enemy (which is a lot closer to the truth in addiction counselling). The resources of the client can then be utilised fully.

The King is dead!

Having said that, let’s now move on to the particular theoretical idea of ‘King Baby’. And I want to start by saying where this was maybe not so useful. You see, we all have a baby inside of us, and a toddler etc. They are with us as part of (snapshots if you like) of our psychological development and so we are all affected by childishness and the related difficulties at times. Treatment Centres used this idea to create a shorthand such as ‘your baby’ or ‘your addict’. This was on the right track in that it achieved some ‘separation’ between the adult self and the ‘crazy’ part of us, but it usually did not take things any further and so this ‘King baby’ was just owned as ‘me’ and just how I am. From this perspective it becomes just another way of avoiding responsibility for ourselves.

Don’t throw out the King Baby with the bath water!

But the ‘childish reaction’ is extremely useful to explore because in counselling. The ‘out of proportion’ response can be the greatest resource for learning. It is when you react like this that you know your unconscious forces are being triggered. It is in this context that things like the ‘King Baby’ can become useful. You can understand yourself better and to develop a simple method of personal growth. If you don’t do this then you become yet another person believing they have another thing ‘wrong with them’.

So, instead of just leaving this old idea behind, consider updating it with the latest things that neuroscience can teach us about how we work as human beings. Not just addicts, but everyone.

King baby has to grow up

Maturity is a process that is driven by emotional pain and disappointment. When you found radical methods of protecting yourself from pain you produced little or no development. As we grow into adults, using and abusing drugs and alcohol as well as other forms of comforting continued this process. As an adult strategies like this become seriously unproductive. Your strategy often insists on doing the opposite of what has been suggested. Especially when authority figures (bosses, parents, therapists) suggest changes.

You can now see the ironic nature of most addiction counselling. The more the counsellor shifts into the position of ‘encouraging, telling and coaxing’ the individual into healthy behaviours the more the wilful client does the opposite! This combative experience is often mistaken for effective addiction counselling (well, they’re there for three months, you have to do something with them, right?) This is a position a lot of inexperienced therapists get themselves into.

Where did this child come from?

How did this idea form and how was it constructed? The ‘inner child’ in this earlier approach was thought of as either;

An evil spirit – Something that came from outside yourself and either took great pleasure in screwing with your life, or wanted to control your life. Or

A symptom of an illness – Based on the medical model, the inner child would be a symptom of the illness. Something that was genetically passed on. Something that you would not be fully responsible for.

What does modern science say about this. You may be fascinated to know that the idea that you have out of proportion reactions and childish responses. As well as inner critical voices etc. does not mean you are ill or that you are possessed! It turns out that it is perfectly normal! You should expect to be vulnerable to being ‘triggered’ in some ways by some things. We are all vulnerable in this way because we are all affected by adverse experiences and our brain stores this information and ‘recruits’ parts of us to stand guard.

So what does this mean for you? If you are trying to develop your recovery in the face of what you are calling ‘your crazy behaviour’ or your ‘terrible decisions’ the important thing is that you can now start to work with yourself instead of against yourself. Stop thinking of your inner child as something you want to get rid of, disown or fight with and start to get curious about how they started all this, and why your brain thought it was necessary in the first place. In other words start to work with yourself instead of against yourself. Here is a related article about how stopping fighting really helps you to grow.

The war is over – it’s time to flourish and grow

These inner protectors or ‘firefighters’ (that’s what we call these parts that step in when things get threatening) are only trying to help. So we start from a position of gratitude. “Thanks for all the help, but I’ve got this now” should be your basic stance. Once you have got over the idea that you are not crazy because you have ‘parts’. Your most adult self is essentially becoming that guy in the film who talks someone into giving them the gun because the crisis is over. So you survived the war (and this part helped you) now it’s time to put the weapons away and get on with your life.

You now have the information you need. But information is not enough on its own. You need to practice. Don’t worry, you will get plenty of opportunity to practice! Every time you are triggered, or are facing a situation where you know you are about to be triggered you can see this as an opportunity to practice. Ask yourself reflective questions like, “what is my part threatened by in this situation”? And “how can I convince this part that there is no danger to me as an adult”? Any question of this kind will ‘wake up the adult’ since the adult is the only one who can answer these questions.

There is also an aspect of training that needs to be understood. You have trained your will (baby/inner child) that it is in charge and so expect some fireworks when you start to parent. The more you can think of this ‘treatment’ as having an ‘actual’ child, the better and more intuitive your responses will be. Good parenting comes from a loving place, and when it does the child feels the sense of security in how they are ‘held’ that allows it to be calmer and less distressed.

Self parenting – Be your own inner Dad or Mum

Alright, I know. Some of us had terrible experiences of being parented. Or we had no parents. Fine. Think of it as self management. Or, from a Christian perspective, think of it as a form of inner Shepherding.

I want to give you another thought on managing yourself and using these situations to grow. The effective approach here generally falls into three categories. Loving, affirming and assertive. Try all three but again the general guidance is that it depends upon the age of the child. We know that parenting looks different depending upon the age of the child.

I was watching a Mum in the store the other day and her ability as a parent gave me a great example to share with you. The child was two and she was carrying him. He was making a fuss as he had spotted something he wanted and she was paying for the shopping (with her free arm). All the time getting done what she needed to get done and ignoring what she knew was not a serious complaint from the baby. Perfect parenting! For a two year old.

When you sense that your child is older then the parenting style will change. As a teenager you will not be ignored! And as a ten year old you can have things explained to you. If you can trace the trauma or shaming event back to a specific time then you will know the exact age of your ‘part’. So parent accordingly, but always from a place of love and gratitude. Be curious and interested. Get to know yourself again.

Basically it is always about producing security for the youngster through disciplined consistent authority. You can do this for the child in you. Remember that helping a child through convincing it that you are going to take care of things can be a long and uncomfortable process, not something that can be ‘switched on’ through knowledge.

How to spot when your parts are at work

Your ‘parts’ share a wide range of personality traits. No one has all these traits, but you will probably find many that describe you. Your parts may show any of these characteristics. Remember we are looking for anything that is ‘out of proportion with the circumstances.

  • Often become angry or afraid of authority figures and will attempt to work them against each other in order to get their own way
  • seek approval and frequently lose their own identities in the process
  • able to make good first impression but unable to follow through
  • have difficulty accepting personal criticism and become threatened and angry when criticized
  • have addictive personalities and are driven to extremes
  • are often immobilized by anger and frustration and are rarely satisfied
  • are usually lonely even when surrounded by people
  • are chronic complainers who blame others for what is wrong in their lives
  • feel unappreciated and think they don’t fit
  • see the world as a jungle filled with selfish people who aren’t there for them
  • see everything as a catastrophe, a life or death situation
  • judge life in absolutes: black and white, right and wrong
  • live in the past, fearful of the future
  • have strong feeling of dependence and exaggerated fears of abandonment
  • fear failure and rejections and don’t try new things that they might not do well
  • are obsessed with money and material things
  • dream big plans and schemes and have little ability to make them happen
  • cannot tolerate illness in themselves or others
  • prefer to charm superiors and intimidate subordinates
  • believe rules and laws are for others, not for themselves
  • often become addicted to excitement, life in the fast lane
  • hold emotional pain within and lose touch with their feelings

Take any one of these characteristics and think about how it applies to you, what it has had you doing, and what it has stopped you doing. Make up your mind to become friends with yourself and to treat your parts with dignity and respect even though they may abuse you at times! All good parents accept this tension between themselves and their kids. Integration and inner harmony is our goal and recovery is a healthy by-product of that inner relationship. Thanks for taking the time to read this and be blessed.

addiction in families – Is my whole family ill?

addiction in families – Is my whole family ill?

by | Jun 2, 2017 | Families

Addiction in families – A Family Illness?

Addiction in families is an issue as old as addiction itself and this is the first in a series of articles relating to the family. It will offer lots of practical help and things you can do to improve the family health. You could start by downloading my ebook The five big mistakes families make…. on the subject.

As far back as 1935 Alcoholics Anonymous was calling alcoholism  ‘a family illness’. Of course they were talking particularly of alcoholism. And they were largely concerned with the ‘effects’ on the family. Not so much addiction in families but how the wife (they still largely saw the problem as male) might help and best support her Husband.

Coming forward to today we can definitely say that things have changed. As a society we are now looking at the issue more from a general addiction perspective which includes behavoural addictions. Our understanding has grown to include the ‘co-dependent personality and so the family are now seen in their own right and not just unsuspecting bystanders affected by the addicted individual.

The Family is the client

As a systemic Family Therapist my approach to the issue is to see the family as the client. There are some advantages to seeing it as an illness and there are now no less than fourteen separate addiction conditions recognised by the DSMV. So it’s official, it’s a disease. In some parts of America the Jennifer act allows family members to be committed for their own safety.Clearly there are enough symptoms etc to consider it an illness but there are also some disadvantages to seeing it this way, which I would call the medical model.

The fact is that when I have contracted or am born with an illness, the tendency is to see myself as absolved from all responsibility. There are some exceptions but this approach often has people too far removed from a sense of responsibility for themselves. You will not take enough responsibility for your self if you have been schooled to think this way. Of course it is a huge ‘move on’ from the earlier approach (the moral model) which placed 100% responsibility on the addicted person. From this perspective they are simply making bad choices.

The family is a complete system

The family is a complete system

When working with families with addiction the most difficult idea they face is that there is nothing they can do. This belief often comes from the perspective described above. When you see the issue as an illness, contracted through no fault of their own, you are left in a pretty helpless position. When you see the issue as an ‘innapropriate relationship’ then there are lots of things you can do! When I work with a family I make no distinction between the family members in the sense that they are all part of the complete system.

Co-dependence

The first thing you need to know about co-dependence is that it is like a coin with addiction and codependence being the heads and the tails. Of course this is a hugely important part of the family recovery and I would encourage you to subscribe to the podcast page specific to relationships and to see my other material on the subject.

Communication – the key to growth

The first thing you should try to set up in your family when suffering with addiction issues is better communication. The most basic way that the ‘post’ issue problems (by which I men the problems that arise as a result of addiction) can confuse things is the way the addict can tell different people different things. By simply telling different family members different stories the addict maintains unhealthy boundaries and manage the whole family from behind simple untruths.

One of the first (and best) things the family can do is to set up a method of communication between the members that insures good information for all parties. Choose a method of communication. ‘whatsapp’ or facebook, texting or skype are some alternatives. The point is that anything, and I mean anything, that you hear from the addicted family member is shared with the whole family.

The addict in the family (or addicts) soon learn that talking to one member is like talking to them all. Straight forward deceit is not a big problem for every family but when it is, this is one of the biggest and simplest ways of managing it and can save the family so much heartache.

Money – Let’s face it and get honest

Most families with addiction issues have money issues. The big three (as I call them) are money sex and food. These are the three things that addicts eventually have to deal with. It can often be years after abstinence has been achieved. Money is often the first thing that comes up as it mostly involves all others, and problems with it are difficult to hide or ignore.

So what about money? Depending upon the nature of the addiction there may be no sign that money is a problem. The issues of a very successful workaholic and those of a heroin addict can present in an apparently different way. But for the purposes of this general look at the subject I will concentrate on the most typical scenario your family will face. That is an addict in the family needing money and not having any. Constantly lying manipulating and stealing from within (and without) of the family.

The communication network you set up will help with this a lot but the biggest challenge you face as a family is to yourselves. Ask yourself “what is my attitude towards money”? Do you have a belief that it is better to supply your addict with money than for them to steal it from somewhere? Remember, the challenge to yourself must be as great as the challenge to your addicted family members.

If you have a lot of trouble with boundaries around money, get together with your other family members and agree on the boundaries. When pressurised or challenged later you can stand on the idea that this is not your decision. You have set this boundary as a family.

Set your focus as a family

When there is addiction in families they tend to focus on the addict. It is so important for your health as a family that you set your focus as something else! Individually your focus should be your own growth and development as a person. As a family your focus should be to develop harmony and intimacy. You will learn more about each other including your vulnerability and difficulty. Focusing on anything other than your addict tells you how much you have been affected by this issue.

Go for the long game

Try to stay away from any sense of the quick fix. If your addict seems to be listening to you do not feel that you can take advantage of this by intervening with some formulaic solutions and improvements. They are likely to be manipulating you because they want something.

This is the type of beginners mistake that counsellors not trained in addiction and recovery work tend to fall for. The general rule is ‘when you think you are manipulating them, they are probably manipulating you’.

Go more for the long game. Assess improvements over months rather than days. Have long term aims and try not to be too disappointed by small set backs (of which there will be many). Commit to growing through these things. They are not a problem to be fixed.

Till next time when I will be taking all these subjects and more in detail.

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