by Dave Cooper | Jun 20, 2014 | A2R, Method
Hi. Thanks for taking the time to read this. We are on a journey of change from an unhealthy pattern of ‘exits’ from our life to a healthier pattern of facing and processing difficulties. How do we do this exactly? Today I want to give you a method of working with your weakness! By the time you have read this you will have a better grasp on what is going on during your cycle of addiction!
To understand this cycle of addiction we should first place it in a context. I want you to think of your time in active addiction. This may be unpleasant and you may be trying to get away from these times and thoughts, but we need to apply a recovery principle here.
Recovery principle – We learn more from our failures than our successes (see ‘the recovery box’ podcast for more on this)
We want to feel better and so we would rather focus on our successes but all the learning is in the failure! I often put it this way to my clients
“Your life is like a house with a lovely looking front garden with sweet smelling roses, we can spend our time there and it will feel great, but we need to be in the back garden where it is a mess and it stinks. If you are brave enough to go there I will go with you”
So how does this apply to this cycle idea? Your cycle is part of your failure to recover. It is the cyclical process by which your addiction kept you trapped. And you need to understand it in order to break it!
Like any chain we break it at its weakest point. But first we need to draw it.
Take a blank page and draw a circle as big as the page will allow. If you think of this as a clock face then start at 12 o clock and go around clockwise. Here are a few questions to ask yourself before you start.
1 How long does it take to get around my cycle? If you start at 12 o clock from the day that you are at your best, maybe clean and sober and wanting to do better, how long does it take you to get back to that day? So this would include all your effort, all your mistakes, all your frustration, all your using, all your drying out period. We need the complete cycle, this may last several months in some cases. If you are a binge drinker you may go six months between drinks, you may then drink for a week and then spend several weeks in hospital. If you are a drug user your cycle may be much shorter. If you are a gambler do not include paying back any moneys, just go up to the day you decide to get better. If you are addicted to internet porn your cycle could be 24 hours or less.
2 What is my main focus? There are several forms this cycle drawing could take. It is all useful and you could complete several versions with different information on each. For instance your first cycle may mainly be about when you are feeling good and when that changes and you started to struggle, or it may just be about your using time. Whichever one you look at it is important that you raise your awareness (See ‘AAA’ podcast for more details)
3 At what point could I change this cycle? Look for the weak point, that moment where you feel you could break this chain (See ‘the moment of temptation’ podcast for more on this)
Now draw your cycle, divide the circle up into hours, days weeks or months, whichever is appropriate for your length of cycle and then just start adding information as it comes to you. Use different colours if you have them and start again if it gets too full, but keep all the versions! When you have finished, do another from a different point of view such as positivity or resentment levels or relationship quality etc.
How does this help? Once you have this information you can start to know yourself better, your weaknesses and your strengths. You are less likely to fall into traps and walk into difficulties because you start to see them coming. Later, all this information will be useful as you look into your past more deeply through one form of therapy or another.
Of course, like all these processes it is the commitment to practice that counts, not just the knowledge. I hope that helped you. Please email me with any questions.
Thanks again for taking the time today.
by Dave Cooper | Jun 16, 2014 | A2R, Communication
Hi. Thanks for taking the time to read this. We are on a journey of change from an unhealthy pattern of ‘exits’ from our life to a healthier pattern of facing and processing difficulties. How do we do this exactly? Today I want to give you more of an understanding of ‘exits’ and the part they play in addiction! By the time you have read this you will have a better grasp on how to think of drug use and other exits.
In order to explain this I am going to have to mention brain chemistry! There, I said it. But don’t worry, I am not going into any detail, just to say that addicts have a particular form of brain chemistry that allows them to have ‘exits’. It is important that you recognise this difference as without this understanding you are opening yourself up to all kinds of shame and low self worth because you think you should react like other people. You have a different brain which allows you to have exits. Anyone could drink like you or take drugs like you but the difference is that they would not get the relief from pressure that you get as an addict.
What this means in practice is that when we are in a bad state or feeling low we have an option that others do not have. Of course the biggest exit option of all is suicide which is an option everyone has. So ‘exits’ are a form of temporary suicide.
If you think of your life as a room then an ‘exit’ is just that, it is a door with a lit sign above it saying EXIT. You have an option of not being you for a while. This is taken to extremes when you ‘black out’. This can be a calm decision based on something like boredom or it can be a panicky decision based on fear.
So what happens? It seems like you have the perfect answer! Just take a holiday from being you every time difficulties come! Unfortunately this does not work long term and eventually the cure becomes worse than the disease. Like any medication there are always side effects. By the time addicts get into this state they are usually so addicted that it seems impossible to stop. There is so much habituated behaviour going on.
How do we deal with this? What can we do? Well the first thing is to accept the reality of the situation. Remember, acceptance is not agreement or anything like that, just the fact that it is real. Secondly we have to choose reality! There is no short cut here, no softer, easier way! I have had clients who thought that their embarrassment was the worst thing in the world! They had to learn that it wasn’t. I have had clients that really believed that they could not face their resentful self, they could! I have had clients literally run out of a treatment centre after just half an hour at the very thought that it might get uncomfortable later! Yes we need support but it is always possible to choose reality over the exit.
This brings up a teaching point here, when we think of feeling good because we took a substance, this is simply feeling good without doing anything to deserve it. We can change our mind and think about earning our satisfaction through better thinking and behaviour. Every time you make a choice towards recovery, you feel a little better about yourself. Also do check out our podcast on this subject of EXITS.
Of course, like all these processes it is the commitment to practice that counts, not just the knowledge. I hope that helped you. Please email me with any questions.
Thanks again for taking the time today.
by Dave Cooper | Jun 16, 2014 | A2R, Method
Hi. Thanks for taking the time to read this. We are on a journey of change from an unhealthy pattern of ‘exits’ from our life to a healthier pattern of facing and processing difficulties. How do we do this exactly? Today I want to give you more of an understanding of the compulsive side of addiction! By the time you have read this you will have a better grasp on what is going on during those moments of temptation!
To understand this moment of temptation we should first place it in a context. If we think of addiction as a form of OCD, then we have two sides, the obsessive side and the compulsive side. The obsessive side is the part of addiction that will not let you alone, dogging your thoughts and affecting your state and feelings. The compulsive side is what we want to look at today, this is the moment of temptation, it is that moment when a bad idea becomes a ‘good idea’, when something you are not going to do becomes something you are going to do. This is compulsion.
So what is happening at this moment? What can turn a bad idea into a good idea? Well the best way to understand this moment is to take a look at what just happened. If you look back you will find something that you could not cope with. This could be a few moments before the temptation/compulsion or it could be up to a few hours but the important thing is that if you open your mind to this idea you will see it very quickly.
Remember that our process is Awareness Acceptance and Action. So first make up your mind to raise your awareness, allow yourself to know what bothers you, what upsets you, what you do not want to deal with. It is in this area that your moment of temptation was created.
We now need to connect to the general concept of ‘exits’. Without an exit you would not have addiction or moments of temptation.
So here is the process, we first develop gaps in our awareness because we do not want to face or deal with certain things. These become ‘blind spots’ and include things like resentments and fears, offences and shame. Next we come up against these things as part of our day, we cannot avoid them. Finally we have a moment of temptation as we look for an ‘exit’ from our life following this moment. What often happens next is more drug use, or at least a time of desperate fighting off temptation.
It may shock you to think that you could keep such secrets from yourself but believe me it is very common amongst addicts. It develops over many years and drugs and alcohol as well as gambling and internet gaming provide exits that seem to work so well in the early days that it feels like you have your answer! Of course this leads to even more ability and practice at hiding these things from ourselves.
I have worked with lots of people who have said to me things like “it just comes on me and I can’t fight it” or “I was doing so well and then I blew it”. These people did not know yet what they were up against. They were fighting the invisible man!
So what is the solution? How do we begin to deal with this in our life? Let me give you a process;
1 Make a commitment to AAA (awareness acceptance and action) See the blog/podcast.
2 When the moment of temptation happens, ask yourself “what just happened that I can’t cope with”?
3 Take the resentment/fear/shame you just discovered and tell someone.
4 Make a note of any ‘themes’ emerging in your experience and take them into any counselling/mentoring you have.
It is at the first step that we do the commitment work. It is at the second step we do the brave work of allowing ourselves to know things. It is at the third step we do disarming work of sharing and t is in the fourth step we do the deeper work of therapy.
Of course, like all these processes it is the commitment to practice that counts, not just the knowledge. I hope that helped you. Please email me with any questions.
Thanks again for taking the time today.
