Reverse addiction – The role it plays in the addiction cycle

Reverse addiction – The role it plays in the addiction cycle

In this article you are going to learn about the way addiction develops in a person. How it always starts in the form of ‘reverse’ or ‘mirrored’ addiction. And why some people stay in the reverse position, whilst others develop into addicts. And why we all have the potential to ‘flip’ from one to the other. Why is this important to know? Let me answer this big question straight away. The reason this is so important is that once you understand the nature of your affliction and the reason why we sometimes ‘flip’ from one extreme to the other you will have the beginnings of a method of self management. Imagine being able to manage yourself better when your partner is in early recovery! When you are in early recovery! When things challenge you and you notice yourself behaving very differently from normal. This will help you whether you consider yourself to be an addict or a reverse addict because you will have a coherent picture to work with. And won’t that make a change!

We all start as reverse addicts

Once again the main difficulty in grasping this idea is our ability to get away from the medical model. In a ‘disease model’ you would, of course, be one thing or the other. You may have been to meetings or attended therapy and been told you are an addict, or you are co-dependent. Once you move on from this way of looking at things you will be free to understand yourself  as having the ‘potential’ to be both. Think of how you are as more of a reaction to who you are with. If your are with a self centred so called ‘narcissistic‘ person you will have more of a tendency to flip to the reverse side of your behaviour and attitudes. Whereas if you are with a more compliant, vulnerable person you may have more of a tendency to flip to the addict side. More on this later, for now let’s look at the assertion itself and the way you can benefit from this understanding.

To understand the reasoning behind this assertion we have to look at the general effect of dysfunction in the family, especially on the children. Whatever type of dysfunction there is in the family it has the same general effect on the children, it places them in a position of responsibility they are not ready to deal with. It has the effect of pushing or dragging the child into the adult arena. Often the sense of responsibility is produced by the parent not taking responsibility for something. Having seen this lack the child then gets the idea that they have to do something about this. If the adult is not producing a meal for the children, the oldest child may take it upon themselves to make it. If the adult is not awake when it is time for the childrens school then they will take it upon themselves to dress and prepare the other kids. More seriously, if the adult is abusing the chldren physically they will take it upon themselves to protect their siblings. This is also true of drunken behaviour and drugged behaviour. As well as experiencing this dysfunction as their ‘normal’ they will make every effort to maintain normality within the family.

At the same time let’s not forget that children tend to blame themselves rather than their parents for things going wrong. It’s just too threatening for a young child to believe that there is something seriously wrong with their parents! So it must be their fault. This belief can transfer all the way into adult life causing many to not include their parents dysfunction in their efforts to make sense of their past. 

“Whenever there is dysfunction in the family it has the same general effect on the children”

Let’s also remember that the children cannot leave, they must find ways of surviving their childhood. So the first step toward reverse addiction for our young developing child is to become aware of things going wrong in the family and to attempt to take responsibility for fixing them. As I said, this is true for the whole spectrum of dysfunction. All the way from mild personality traits in the parents, all the way up to serious abuse. Okay, so now let’s look at the effects of this situation on the child. What follows are a few of the serious legacies for the child as they grow up.

Imitation

Okay, so if all that’s true, what is the effect of this premature responsibility? There are several effects, the first is something that lots of people take into their adult lives with them. This is the effect of ‘pretending’ to be an adult. As a young child when this dysfunction occurs they do not have the maturity or experience to deal with this new found responsibility, but they have seen adults and the way they look and act. So, later on, their adult life often involves lots of imitation rather than genuine maturity. This often shows up in professional life, particularly positions of responsibility such as management roles. It is the idea that the job requires a strong ‘role playing performance’ as well as the idea that this is done separately from the family and social life of the person that invites this form of ‘imitation’. It will tend to show up whenever you are given any responsibility over others. In some cases it can form such a strong part of your behaviour (especially if you spend a lot of time at work) that you can actually mistake it for who you really are!

But it’s not you! It is a form of imitation based upon your need to take responsibility as a child. It is often the basis of ‘workaholism’ and certain forms of OCD behaviour. There is a lot of coaching now on how to be more genuine and vulnerable at work. If you can use these principles you will find ways of bringing the ‘imitated self’ back into proportion.  

Anxiety

The next effect is anxiety. The child has no experience to cope with this level of responsibility. So it always includes massive amounts of anxiety. This level of anxiety is experienced as normal when lived with over many years. So don’t expect it to be obvious to you when starting your recovery. Like a lot of us you may have to spend time raising your sensitivity to your feelings over time. Like all of these effects the impact on you is greater because you are at a stage of life where your brain is still developing and so your reactions are not sophisticated, they do not include much life experience and so you don’t question the anxiety or its origins. You just live with it and survive it. 

Imagine being given a job that you didn’t apply for, with no interview, job description, induction or training. Now add that people you care about could be seriously harmed if you don’t get it right! Now make yourself seven or eight years old. I think you are getting the picture.

Lack of self care

The next effect is the overbalancing towards care for others and away from self care. This is both the start of reverse addiction and the reason why we start with reverse addiction. Therefore lack of self care is one of the main components of all forms of addiction and one of the best ways of identifying it in yourself. Again this behaviour is ‘normalised’ as, under pressure to take responsibility for others, the reverse addict thinks less and less about themselves.

This overbalanced sense of responsibility can become a full time job very early on in life. As the child grows into an adult they often develop a belief that it is somehow wrong to look after themselves, or to consider themselves before others at any time, or in any way. These beliefs and practices have the dual effect of developing a tendency towards low self worth, along with an attraction for people who are on the opposite end of that spectrum, that’s right, addicts! It is part of the relational dynamics that you can’t put yourself first whilst putting someone else first. In a healthy balanced individual who you put first is an ongoing dynamic self determined choice, but in the addict it is fixed and one of the ways we understand losing the power of choice.

Vulnerability

This idea of vulnerability is another of the main effects of dysfunction in the family. When someone brought up this way becomes an adult, who do you think they are going to be attracted to? That’s correct. Someone who is overbalanced in the opposite direction. Someone who thinks about themselves and concerns themselves only with what they want. Someone in this position, brought up this way, is going to be attracted to selfish people. Are you recognising yourself yet? This is what you have become vulnerable to.

If you have been involved in one of these unhealthy relationships you will remember that they start out looking and feeling just perfect. Why is this? It’s because, like healthy relationships, both parties are getting exactly what they want. The problem is that, unlike healthy realtionships, the participants do not want healthy things! So what is it they both want? For the relationship to be centred on the addict! So the addict, who because of their ‘narcissistic tendency’ is often the ‘life and soul’ of the party now has someone who will treat them as ‘special and different’. Which is what they desperately hope they are. The reverse addict now has someone they can hide behind and take care of, which is what they have been trained to do.

 

“So what is it they both want? For the relationship to be centred on the addict!”

 

“So what is it they both want? For the relationship to be centred on the addict!”

 

The problems come later when the addicts needs, along with their often disastrous decisions, leads to the breakdown of this perfect arrangement. The reverse addict gets sick of having to provide for them, lie for them, pay for them and look after them. The addict gets angry and threatened by this partner who is now reneging on the deal! They are no longer treating them as special and different! They are criticising! They have become cold! At this point the relationship often breaks up but both parties tend to hook up with partners of a similar backgrounds once again. It is only after recovery begins that the attraction cycle changes. 

Why aren’t we all reverse addicts then?

Good question! There is a very good reason why some of us refuse to stay in this position. It is to do with the type of brain we have. Some of us have a weakness for alcohol or other mood or state changing drugs. If we have this vulnerability then the effect of taking them brings on a sense of complete freedom from this overblown and inappropriate weight of responsibility. This magical effect is not something everyone experiences but those that do find what appears to be the perfect solution to this burden of worrying about everyone else. They find something that effectively swaps their concern for everyone for a concern only for themselves! How does this work?

Often around the age of twelve to fifteen a number of things happen to the child. The first thing is that they grow up a bit. This offers them a broader view of their experience and, as a result, they are motivated to change things. Secondly they often discover alcohol or drugs. Depending on the type of brain they have this will often help them to experience the unburdening of responsibility that was always out of proportion. In other words they will often feel ‘normal’. But to them this may feel miraculous since they have no other way of achaiving this normal state.

At this point the addict has escaped into selfishness and has found a way to unburden themselves, they have ‘flipped’. There are also fringe benefits to the fliiping, such as the removal of the anxiety that goes with the position of reverse addict. The feeling that they are special and different will often develop at this time. They will often promise themselves that they will never return to the pitiful state of anxious worry now that they have found their answer. They have effectively swapped a world of concern for everyone into a world of concern for themslves, much simpler!

Addiction and reverse addiction as potentials – not illnesses

One of the many advantages of working with this model is that we are liberated from the constraints of the medical model. If we approach the addiction issue from a medical perspective we are diagnosed and, as a result, labelled. From that position it doesn’t make sense to think of someone ‘flipping’ from one condition to another. After all, we have been diagnosed! We have all the symptoms! It makes sense! Of course it does, and I am not arguing that these things do not exist, or that they do not make sense. I am simply saying that it can be more useful to think of them as potentials rather than illnesses. It’s a different perspective that allows for the idea of flipping. This diagram helps explain the three positions in the form of a gauge. Think of this gauge as an indicator of concern, with the perfect balanced position in the middle and the extreme positions of selfishness left and selflessness on the right.  

In this first graphic the needle is set to the addict position. In other words you can see that it is over balanced towards the ‘self’ or ‘selfish’ side. What this means is that the person is currently exhibiting ‘self-centred’ attitudes which will often lead to conflict with others. Especially those in a more balanced position.

In this second graphic the needle is set to the ‘reverse’ addict position. It shows the needle pointing way over to the extreme left. This means that the person is currently exhibiting extreme ‘other centred’ behaviour and attitudes. This position when maintained in a relationship over time can lead to serious self harm as the person rarely considers themselves as needing care.

In the final graphic the needle is pointing straight upwards. This indicates the balanced position that we are all heading for. You can see that the needle pointing  upwards indicates balance. This is a balance between care for self and care for others. Notice that in order for both of the two previous extremes to come into the balanced positions they have to go in opposite directions from each other.

The addict is basically driven by the idea

“everything will work out if I get what I want”

Although this is a very simple drawing, it offers us a useful picture of the way extremes work as well as the way the needle can point in different directions as ‘potentials’. Let me offer you a simple picture of the two philosophies The addict is basically driven by the idea “everything will work out if I get what I want”. The reverse addict is driven by the idea that “everything will work out if everybody else gets what they want”.

The reverse addict is driven by the idea that

“everything will work out if everybody else gets what they want”

Flipping – what does this look like?

As I have pointed out previously, no one starts out this way. Everyone starts out balanced, like in the final graphic above. Through dysfunctional experience they are pushed to the extreme position of reverse addict by the constant repetition of this dysfunction. They are later, often around the early teenage years (and if they have the vulnerability) flipped to the addict potential. Otherwise they remain in the reverse position with all the vulnerability that that brings.

If they have flipped to the addict side there follows two main forms of flipping that can occur as time passes. The first is more gentle and can take place whilst the addict lifestyle is still active. To understand this we must develop the systemic view and move away from the medical model. This is because the systemic approach views things relationally and this form of flipping depends upon the relationship we are in. My experience was fairly typical and I experienced this form of flipping many times. As long as I was at home with my Wife (who was always in the ‘reverse’ position) I acted very selfishly and stayed in the addict or selfish position. Occasionally I would be around people who were more selfish in their outlook and I would notice myself becoming very worried about their welfare and start to look after them! As soon as I returned home I would ‘flip’ straight back into selfish mode. This confused me for years!

The second, and more serious, form of flipping takes place in early recovery. This is something I have seen in all authentic recoveries and cannot be avoided. But it can be understood and managed. Every client I work with gets the same warning from me. I tell them that at some point they will start to become ‘too well’ for their families. I warn them to watch out for this because it always happens, and it must be managed like any other part of their recovery. 

I tell them that at some point they will start to become ‘too well’ for their families

When families drop off their loved one at the Rehab gates they often say things like “we just want our son back” or something along those lines. What they usually don’t understand is that recovery from addiction is not like a medical recovery. It does not restore people to what they were before, it transforms people into who they really are! This is quite a different animal. Families discover this later when their loved one not only stops drinking or using drugs, but continues to develop into someone they do not recognise! It is when this recovery begins to challenge the way the family has been operating for years that this can become a problem. And it is at this point that the family often try to ‘reign in’ the recovery by saying things like “why don’t you just have a drink at weekends”? Remember, the addict has been making the family look good for years! If you are in early recovery, watch out for this yourself.

Effects of early recovery on the family

So, let’s track our newly recovered addict, they are doing well and staying ‘clean’. Their partner, who has been looking after them for years sees the improvement and something strange starts to happen. They start to develop selfish thoughts and behaviour! This is the beginning of their flip from the reverse side. Remember. It’s a potential, both sides have both potentials! This type of phenomenon is well known in other forms of mental health recoveries, it’s almost like the family sees this improvement as permission to have their own crisis. For instance, it’s not that uncommon for one family members recovery to instigate anothers decent into addiction! This is another one of the common effects on the family system of one member of the family recovering! 

Another effect on the family is connected with the way we ‘train’ people to know who we are. Training is an important factor in human relationships and is strongly connected with the idea of security. Security is naturally very important to us and one of the ways we help ourselves feel secure is to believe that we know those around us well. So when someone begins the transformational process of recovery it can threaten peoples security which can have all sorts of effects, including the one mentioned above. Someone in the reverse position who is not yet ready to begin their own recovery will often bring forms of pressure to bear on the recovering addict to not change too much! So I always include this in my work with addicted people. I ask them to remember what a shock it might be to their family to have to see this new person who they do not know!

But what about the addict? In early recovery through various forms of guilt, shame and other motivations, they often start to flip into more of the reverse side, learning to empathise with and consider others. As mentioned above this can take more extreme forms when the partner of the addict actually develops their own addiction and the recovered addict goes into reverse to look after them! This is not as uncommon as you might think.

Achieving balance – which way is up?

Revisiting the simple diagram above might help you understand the way you need to develop. Look at the two unbalanced positions and ask yourself this. In what direction must each go in order to recover? In order to reach a more balanced place each must go in the opposite direction to the other. This is one reason why I call them reversed or mirrored. They are mirrors of each other and this is why they are so opposite in outlook.

Do you notice something about these positions? You may have noticed that in order to become more balanced and recovered, the addict must become LESS selfish, be more concerned with others. To do this they must develop understanding of and practice things like humility and honesty, vulnerability and authenticity. All very good and it looks great. People tend to congratulate and support addicts recovery. But what about the reverse addict? To recover and shift towards the balanced position they must become MORE selfish! They must think less about others and more about themselves. This does not look so good and can make recovery from the reverse position just as complicated and difficult as the addicts. I often say to families and couples that they will do much better once they accept that everyone in the family has to recover together, and that the non-addicted family members can sometimes have the harder time developing that recovery. It takes a lot of experience and understanding to congratulate someone for becoming more selfish!

In Conclusion

So where does all this leave us? Place yourself in this story and ask yourself what needs to happen next. If you are an addict in early recovery, look out for the flipping towards the reverse position. Just like other issues you escaped with drugs and alcohol this issue is not resolved because you stopped using drugs, but needs to be addressed as part of your recovery. Understand that you escaped into selfishness! But what you escaped from now needs to be dealt with properly, because it has not gone away, you simply aneathasised yourself against it. So commit to your recovery and resolve these issues permanently with sound recovery principles and personal growth, not by some unhealthy practices but with genuine recovery.

If you are a reverse addict, maybe in a relationship with an addict in early recovery, maybe still smarting from the way the last relationship ended? Place yourself in this story and ask yourself “what needs to happen now”? Understand that you need a recovery every bit as much as your addicted partners do. If they are in early recovery, look out for your own flipping towards the selfish side and modify your behaviour so as to include genuine recovery principles. Understand that your boundaries need to firm up and that you may have a natural attraction to people who manipulate and use others. Don’t be fooled any longer by the idea that the nicer you are to people the more you will attract caring people towards you. Being overly giving and helpful does not attract nice people, it attracts people who are manipulative and abusive. So head for balance in your helpfulness and your caring.

If you identify with any of these positions and want to know more please email me for further information

info@davecoopercounselling.org.uk

Domestic abuse – Where the addict is made

Domestic abuse – Where the addict is made

Recently I watched a programme on the BBC which had been made from the experiences of one of our most famous footballers, Ian Wright. Although domestic abuse is not my area of expertise there is no doubt in my mind that the trauma of domestic abuse produces lots of dependence and addiction issues. I was fascinated to see several aspects of the film resonating with my approach and my experience. Because of this I thought I would write something around the programme, to firstly encourage you to watch the film yourself if you are thinking about your own recovery, and, secondly, to say a few things about where I thought it came closest to my approach to recovery from addiction.

The best way to read this post may be to view the programme alongside your reading. I have provided time references on the left of the text. Here is a link to the show.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/m000vt7g/ian-wright-home-truths 

I was mainly drawn to this programme after a client mentioned it saying “he sees a Consultant Psychiatrist. She talks like you”. I am always fascinated to see where the medical colleagues are using some of the same ideas that I base my work on. These ideas are largely coming from the neuroscience research being done with the latest technology. We have an ability to study the brain now that they could have only dreamed about years ago and so much of what was pure observation is now being confirmed by digital analysis. This has led to me using the ‘parts’ model more and more in my work with addiction and, as a result, having greater and greater success in my efforts to help people to recover. But in this programme I also discovered more of a link from addiction back to the type of mental, physical, emotional and spiritual abuse that takes place in families. I hope you can also get something out of this programme and my thoughts on it.

Domestic Abuse – where the addict is made

1:00 From the beginning of the programme we see the effects of domestic violent abuse. Psychological, physical and emotional abuse that was not spotted or attended to by the authorities. Most trauma therapists are now agreed that addiction is mainly caused by this sort of experience. In 90% of all domestic abuse cases there is a child present. The programme attempts to explore the effects of this abuse later in life, particularly through Ians’ own experiences.

14:48 One of the effects Ian talks about is the psychological abuse he experienced through his Mother saying she should have terminated him. Talking about his older Brother, he remembers him covering Ians ears so he wouldn’t hear the violence being perpetrated on their Mum. When she was being hit by their Step-Dad she would be saying ‘sorry’. These mixed messages and the fear generated by someone who weilds total power over you leave a legacy of fear and anger that emerge later in life when you find yourself in a position of power over others. This often results in you perpetrating your own abuse and Ian says he is desperate for that not to happen. It is this courage that fuels the programme.

Parts

23:25 At one point Ian visits a Consultant Psychiatrist Dr Nuria Gené-Cos who specialises in domestic abuse. There are several sections of film where it becomes obvious that Ian is suffering from trauma reactions. The Doctor confirms this. As a therapist and recovery coach I find this very encouraging. Here is someone from the field of psychiatry that is clearly approaching trauma and it’s consequences from a ‘parts’ perspective.

Working with your parts

24:20 Here we see the difference between the ‘medical’ or traditional model and the ‘parts’ approach. Ian describes his experience as a ‘saint and a devil’ sitting on his shoulder and how this is like a fight between his affection for his Mum and his memory of all the bad things she did. The Dr  first classifies this as a typpical trauma reaction. Next she addresses the seriousness of this by telling him that the betrayal of the Mother is the worst that can happen. She then goes on to begin explaining the ‘parts’ approach. She says that the continued betrayal “creates a different personality”.

26:20 This is the first mention of “the child part of you”. It is here the Dr asks “how old is the angry part of you”? Ian answer “9 or 10”. She adds “a child cannot run your life”. This is the section of the film where we are in the priveliged position of observing the Dr actually working with Ian. As a therapist I recognise that moment where the conversation changes from the abstract to the particular and her focus sharpens as she talks over him when he is about to go into his well worn ‘script’. She shows a lot of her experience in moments like these and wins his confidence and trust by her tone and her patience. We can notice things like when she chooses to be silent and wait for his processing and when she decides to speak and add to the position. Ian asks “so the angry part of me is a nine year old”? The Dr replies “That’s what it is”.

27:00 This is where the Dr tells Ian that he can do this ‘inside’. She begins to describe the child part as brave, reminding him that this part helped him to survive! Here she tells Ian to give the love the nine year old is still looking for. That he can do it now, as an adult. By calling him this ‘little one’ she helps Ian to develop a caring relationship with his younger self, replacing the angry, confused, regretful attitude. This is the beginning of developing the ‘harmonised self’ as opposed to the ‘conflicted self’.

This is the moment where the Dr is aligning herself most to the ‘parts’ model. It’s here that she starts Ian on the journey towards becoming his own primary care giver.  Notice how what she says separates Ian the adult from Ian the child. What she says constructs Ian as an adult with access to the nine year old who she constructs as still being present and looking for the love that Ian can give him. It is this ‘self-parenting’ that is one of the major components of this approach. Once we understand that there is no one better suited to do this parenting than us! Once we realise that there is no ‘time-line’ in the part of the brain that stores these experiences, and so the child is still there, still looking for what they didn’t get. Still available for relationship, and still playing a part in our lives, we can begin the work of healing and constructing the harmonised self.

27:30 Here she adds the principle of self care “You are okay now, not in danger now” Showing the difference between the brain and the mind. When the Dr says this she is making a distinction for Ian between the past and the present. She is aligning him with his mind (the front room) and not his brain (the back room) and introducing the idea of the ‘core’ or ‘adult’ self. 

28:20 Here Ian confirms that understanding that he has a nine year old that he needs to take care of is going to represent a “massive breakthrough for me”. Later he describes his nine year old as ‘an analogy’ which is a typical response of people when first introduced to this approach. He gets the idea but is still interpreting it from a traditional ‘blended’ perspective. After a few sessions my clients start to line up with the idea that we are not talking about analogies, this child part is real. As real as the adult that is your present self.

57:15 Here Ian says “if I could talk to that nine year old me, the one who was scared and lonely. I would say you will get through this. You are strong and you are worth something”. Again this is typical of people who have not yet developed this approach fully. It takes time to migrate to this model and its way of thinking because it is a ‘paradigm shift’ in the way you think about yourself. Once you learn to unblend your language, once you learn how consistent you and your parts are you can talk to that nine year old because he is still here. The more we think of these parts as real people the better this works.

Being your own primary care giver

56:03 The need for empathy as a part of recovery. Naomi helps Ian to see things from his Mums position. Empathy is such a large part of our relationship building. When Naomi explores Ians Mums experience she broadens the story out. Thereby placing Ian’s experience in a larger story. We are all sons and daughters of someone and we are all subject to our past, but it does not have to dictate our future. To the extent that we can see the humanity of our abuser we can then develop more understanding of our own experience. The more we see someone elses suffering, the more we understand why they did the things they did.

The need for pastoral care

31:30 Ian also includes his school experiences and learns about how much things have changed. He learns about the way that disregulated behaviour would be spotted and attended to straight away.

32:20 Here Ian meets Mr Anthony Alexander who is the Pastoral Care worker in the school. Ian talks about the way things have changed over the years and how impotrtant it is for the community that this work with children who witness abuse in their homes are offered support.

38:18 Here Ian meets some of the workers that support families in crisis. The programme he looks at is called ‘safecore’. It offers perpetrators of abuse (who are often victims themselves) a residential package of care and support that helps the whole family make progress. These programmes are often time limited and can only offer the tools needed. It is the family themselves that must do the work of recovery if things are to change.

Being the jewel in someones life

28:24 Here Ian introduces the jewel in his life, his teacher Mr Pigden. Ian tells us how important this man was in his life. Self worth is added by these relationships. When we appreciate the ones that added to the richness of our lives, the ones that connected us with our worth, our value, we are connected with love. It is this love connection that saves us. It is this connection that resurfaces, sometimes years later. When we are reflecting on the way things went wrong. When we are older and have perspective on things. It is often here that these amazing ‘jewels’ resurface. Like rocks appearing as the tide goes out they are solid when everything else is moving. They are consistent when everything else changes.

34:21 Tribute to Mr Pigden. Here Ian reads the plaque that stands as a tribute to this man. Ian helps us understand the importance of his teachers influence on his life. In the current climate of extreme opinions and disconnection don’t let anyone tell you that real core values have been forgotten. Captain Tom received over thirty million in his ‘just giving’ campaign after setting a target of just £1000. Ians tweet about Mr Pigden has at the time of writing had over four million views. Always remember that what connects us is more important than what separates us.

43:10 Here Ian talks about the value of having people who care about you in your life.

The jewels in my life

My life has included two jewels. I honestly do not know where I would be now without them. My Aunt Sally was someone who provided loving care when no one else did. She was in my life when I lived in Pennington. From birth to around 6years old. Most of my best memories are when I was at her house, It was a small terraced two up two down cottage with an outside toilet and no bathroom. I don’t really know why I was there so often or where my sisters where but it was the atmosphere that I remember the most. So calm, so loving. I could play in the sink with aeroplanes made from clothes pegs! A long way from ipads and childrens Netflix. We did watch Captain Pugwash and Andy Pandy together though. But my favourite memory of all is sitting on her knee while she read to me from a book titled ‘around the world in colour’. It had great illustrations about other cultures and my imagination flourished as she read to me about gauchos and Russian winters, Eskimos and Aborigines.

The Reverend Plant was another jewel in my life. He was a Vicar at the Church were I went to Sunday School. In many ways he was a typical C of E Vicar, even down to the ‘Vicar voice’ and as such, was an easy target as all Pastors must be. I loved football and, as well as the many other things he was doing, he ran a football team. I remember warming our feet in front of his fire after playing football in the cold. He ran a Sunday school were we would have drawing competitions which I really enjoyed. But my best memory of the Rev was just the atmosphere of loving calmness around him, an atmosphere that he created wherever he went and whoever he was with. Very similar to my Aunt Sally it was the atmosphere I loved. I would not have been able to explain that at the time of course. I just knew that it was attractive to me. Little did I know that I would be writing about these things sixty years later as the most important parts of my development. When I want to meditate and relax these days, I spend time in my Aunt Sallys tiny front room, on her knee, being read to. Just being in the presence of someone who finds me delightful.

The role alcohol often takes

16:20 Ian talks to  Charlie Webster who recalled memorising where the floor noises where in their home so she could move around without being heard because this would make ‘him’ angry. This is a typical childs response to abusive parents as it attempts to ‘make him less angry’. She also makes the distinction between physical and psychological abuse which is worse than the beatings. She makes the point that it isn’t the childs fault but rather quotes something from the counsellors book “I couldn’t leave the field of play”. Alcohol is mentioned regularly as the participants recall their experiences.

19:10 Paul mentions something that I experienced myself. He talks about his Dad watching him play football. Paul was the goalkeeper and his Dad would laugh when he didn’t save the ball as well as a consistent shower of abuse during the game. The one time my Dad came to see me play football I scored a hat trick and when I saw them afterwards all he said was “If I was the referee you would have been sent off”.

40:05 Here as part of the safecore programme we learn that both parents have stopped drinking. This sounds like a decision they came to themselves as it is unlikely to be part of the programme they were on. Although it is not highlighted we get the impression that none of the progress that has been made in their communication and understanding of each other would have been possible without abstaining from alcohol.

53:45 Here in another example that involves stopping drinking Naomi talks about how she was abused and did not know how to get out of it. She turned to hard drink, eventually stopping as part of her rehabilitation. Again we see that stopping drinking is often a huge part of any rehabilitation and recovery from domestic abuse. The importance of abstaining from alcohol is not highlighted as before but the importance of it is obvious from the filming and the context.

The value of being cared for

23:00 At one point Ian tells us about his mixed feelings for his Mum. He both totally ‘adored her’ but at times he ‘totally hated her’. This is what makes the abuse from a caregiver so damaging to a young persons development and why people often have such anger problems later in life. We see the same pattern in Ians football career when he was so angry inside the relationship with the thing he loved the most. When we are mistreated by our care givers we ‘blend’ the mistreatment with our concept of love. The two things then become one. This is why we often see people continually engaging in relationships with abusive partners. If your dad hit you as part of loving you, you may only feel that someone really loves you when they hit you. In my counselling practice I have seen young women present their bruises like badges of honour. With a smile on their face they say things like “look what he’s done”. There is an ambivalence in their attitude, like they don’t know if it’s a good thing or a bad thing.

Overwhelming triggering – red mist

43:30 Ian talks about the lasting effect of growing up around anger. Lack of control, an inability to calm down. There are a few comments like “I couldn’t control myself” and “I couldn’t calm down”. These are examples of ‘triggered states’ where the triggering is so overwhelming it takes over everything you feel think say and do. Not everyone’s triggering is being filmed and made so public as was Ians but the shame of what we do in those states always lives on and can make us bury ourselves deeper into our addictions.

44:30 Ian then talks about how much he regrets these things, especially the fact that a lot of good people around him have had to let him go when they couldn’t get through to him.

This is the position so many of my clients are in when they enter treatment. So much damage and regret about the past that they wish had not happened but they couldn’t control. There is nothing more frustrating than the knowledge that you are making things worse by trying to improve things. Drinking alcohol or taking other drugs can seem to work at first, it may help someone control the thing that has been controlling them. But eventually, because it’s an unhealthy strategy it brings problems of its own. These problems come in two forms, firstly there are the indirect problems. These come as a result of the drugs effect on your time keeping, your attendance, your ability to pay for things and to pay back what you owe. All this destroys relationships and trust and can end in prosecution and illegal activity for so many. The direct problems come in the form of cognitive changes including memory loss and blackouts. As well as health problems that can become very serious. But the biggest problem of all is that it stops working! Now you have two problems, the one you started with and the drug problem which means that the cure has now become worse than the disease.

The recovery process – breaking the cycle

44:50 Once domestic violence has happened it needs support to change things. The Hampton Trust is one such place. Ian is visibly moved by several people and their commitment to change in the programme. He makes the case for helping anyone that comes forwards with these issues. Facing the problem often invoves doing the opposite of what our common sense tells us. Our ‘parts’ offer ‘quick fixes’ and don’t consider the future consequences. As the neuroscientists tell us ‘The amygdala can’t tell the time’. This means that what happens in the past is still with us, and that our brains reaction does not consider the consequences for our relationships. This often leads to addictive behaviour that helps the person survive the moment but leads to disastrous consequences that leave the family and friends shaking their heads in disbelief as to why an otherwise intelligent person would do such things. I know what it’s like to be in that trap. I know what it’s like to be caught in a cycle of ever increasing problems. Where everything you do makes it worse. But I broke the cycle. Against all the odds, like so many I found a way to outgrow these childhood difficulties. And so can you.

51:23 Ian talks about breaking the cycle of abuse in his own life. The programme may inspire you to consider your own recovery. Is it time for you to break the cycle in your family? If you think it may be that time for you, please contact me and I will offer you the tools that can make that possible. Thanks for taking the time to read this.